shattered.

So empty.

Losing someone THAT special to me...is like pulling the tablecloth out from under a set of fine china and watching it turn to dust on the floor.

The sun just doesnt shine as bright anymore....

weathering the drought

Sometimes it's not a storm, but a drought that you have to gut your way through.

Sometimes, you have to be willing to put your heart on the line to prove that you are capable of putting the other person's needs first.

As a wise counselor told me "I can tell you what I think you should do all day long, but it's not MY life or MY heart on the line here.  It's yours, and if you miss someone THAT much, I think it would be foolish to tell you to walk away from someone you obviously love.  My job is to HELP you, not to give you advice that ends up hurting you and causing you to emotionally suffer.  Sure, any counselor can tell you to resist your feelings and deny what your heart wants....and they can SAY it's for your own good, but I woukd question the wisdom of ANYONE who tells you that the answer to your problems is to ignore what your own heart says is true...especially when it comes to love."

So, I have decided to restore my faith in love and weather the drought.

I just hope and pray my heart isn't wrong this time.

If that is what it will take to prove my love for her, and show her that indeed a large change HAS taken place, then so be it...because yes...she IS worth every second.

broken.

I wonder

memories are like knives....twisting in my heart.  I feel each any every one of them...and wish....why.  Why did I do that?!

I now know why angels have wings.

goodbye I love you

There is a pain I feel from the depths of my soul.  A pain that you will never know because it is caused by the absence of you.

"Through love, all things are possible."  I have spent all of my 36 years believing this.  Today, I found out it isn't true.  I don't like this reality check...I always believed with ALL my heart that if you loved someone enough, anything and everything was possible.

This will change me.  No longer will I believe in "true love"...the biggest LIE ever told.  Quite simply, the idea that "love conquers all"...is little more than a myth.

Also, I am really fucking stupid.

I made the one mistake (repeatedly) that I always swore I never would.  I lied to make myself seem better than I was because I was insecure about practically everything.  I was ashamed of what I am and was afraid the woman of my dreams would not have me if she knew the truth....which I eventually told her anyhow.

The problem is that by the time I did, I had already broken her heart.

All i knew to do was to try my hardest to make things right and pray I didn't hurt her more than she loved me.  I was wrong.

The woman of my dreams...my angel...my love...is gone.

And I don't know what to do...