My life-in flashback

Cops and Speeding

2012-02-15T12:05:00.005-06:00

Okay, first off...no...I didn't recently get a ticket and now I'm pissed.

I saw something this morning on my way to take my son to school, and for some reason, it really ticked me off. I saw, on the right side of the road, a Louisiana State Trooper hiding behind some bushes and a sign in order to catch people speeding.

What's so unusual about that you ask? For some reason, a question of my own popped in my head. Police will tell you that catching speeders is all about public safety, that they do it in order to prevent traffic fatalities. The police will tell you that their catching speeders makes the roads safter for everyone.

Really? Then why do you need to hide? Wouldn't it stand to reason that the police would have MORE of an impact on traffic speed if they were MORE visible? Hiding behind bushes and a sign does NOTHING to slow traffic down...it allows the officer in question to write more tickets though, plain and simple.

So, before the police go spouting off on their holier-than-thou speech about traffic safety and "someone has to think about saving lives" bullshit excuses for hiding, I ask them: If you want to have maximum impact on traffic speeds, anyone with half a functioning brain cell would know that HIDING from motorists kind of proves they aren't about making the roads safer...they are about collecting revenue from ticket fines.

Visit any forum frequented by police officers from all over the united states, and they are pretty candid about admitting that they don't give a shit about safety...they're after the rush of catching a speeder so they can dash out from behind cover and driver like a bat out of hell in order to catch a lawbreaker.

On THAT note, I was on a trip back home from my parent's house about a month ago, when I saw a Baton Rouge officer FLYING down LA1 to White Castle. This officer was exceeding 100mph. Yeah, I tailed him. He finally pulled into a fast food restaurant and went into the drive-thru. Boy..that must have been one HELL of a Big Mac Attack to warrant driving in excess of 100mph for. TWO state troopers coming the opposite way had their radar on (radar detector on my dashboard) so I KNOW they got the officer's speed. Did they pull him over? Nope. But the officer in the car ahead of me DID wave. Awww...sweet of him to acknowledge his fellow officers for allowing him to drive reckelssly at high speed so he could hit the Mickey D's drive thru.

Yes, that means I was driving as fast as he was...but hey...someone had to get it on video, right? The cops use dashcams...I used a 1080p cellphone camera.

I propose a solution where citizens are allowed to pull over police officers that they observe speeding or otherwise driving in a dangerous manner and give THEM tickets. Where I live, the COPS are the biggest speeders, AND the ones most often seen driving dangerously, weaving in and out of traffic going 30+ mph faster than everyone else only to pull into a gas station to fill up, or to hit the local drive-thru.

So, I call BULLSHIT on the cops. Hiding behind bushes doesnt make the roadway safer, but getting rid of the COPS that drive like their ass is on fire certainly would.

What do men want from a relationship?

2012-01-17T20:40:00.005-06:00

I've been wondering about this for some time, and have done some honest-to-god research about it. And I'm not talking about asking a few half-drunk guy friends or advice columns.

After literally MONTHS of research, I think I've managed to condense all the information I've gathered into a few things that almost every man says he expects from a relationship.

1. Men want to be appreciated. They want to know that you appreciate all the work they do, and their contributions to the relationship. They want to know that you appreciate it when they take care of things around the house. More simply, men do not want to feel taken advantage of, or taken for granted. Imagine how you would feel if you felt everyone took YOU for granted. Men are no exception.

2. Men want you to be concerned about them. They want to know that their feelings and well-being REALLY matter to you, and that you really DO have their best interests in mind. If they are sick, they want you to take care of them. If you see him upset or in some sort of crisis, he wants you to actually BE THERE for him. Men understand that your girlfriends, or children, are often the priority to a woman, but a man wants to know that his woman is capable of putting HIM first if he needs her more.

3. Men want to know they are making you happy, and that you actually WANT to be with him. We aren't asking to you fake it or walk around with a fake smile all the time, but a good sense of humor about things goes a long way, and appreciating the fact that he is TRYING to keep you happy and TELLING him so is always appreciated.

4. Men want a balance between independance and inter-dependance. No man wants to be in a relationship with a woman who acts as though she couldn't care less how much time they spend together or whether or not they have enough sex. Likewise, men do not want a relationship with a woman who expects to spend every free waking minute together. In other words, if something keeps the two of you apart, he wants to know that you care about it as much as he does. Simply staying quiet isn't always the best plan...actually expressing to him that you desire a certain level of inter-dependance, and that you WANT to be together is as good as money in the bank as far as making him feel wanted.

5. Lastly, and probably most importantly amongst nearly all the men polled (97% to be exact): He wants time ALONE with you. Alone AND uninterrupted. Being sexually satisfied by his partner is something virtually all men rated as "extremely important" in a recent study, and that simply cannot happen if the two of you are constantly fighting to find time alone together. He wants to know that spending time alone is a very high priority to you, and not just SOME of the time. Men want to know that their women will place time alone as a high priority on a consistant basis. Spending time alone helps the two of you build and maintain a stronger bond, and makes him feel wanted. Men want to feel as though you are attracted to him emotionally and physically. Most men polled (74%) claim that spending less than 5 hours alone per week is not enough to sustain a long-term relationship, although there is certainly some give and take there. Basically, men say that being able to rely upon having a fundamentally consistant amount of time alone with the woman they love is what will keep them feeling connected to her, and that having a woman who is responsive to his needs for spending time alone for intimacy and for just being alone is critical to feeling loved and wanted.

So there it is. If you feel your man is acting unhappy or unsatisfied, then try discussing these issues with him, as it is highly likely that it is one of these issus that is bothering him or that he feels is lacking.

I hope some of you find this helpful, and as always, comments are welcome and encouraged :)

Holidays 2011 Kicks off

2011-11-22T00:40:00.002-06:00

Thanksgiving is in 48 hours, and the holdays are here.

This year, I find myself a MUCH happier person than I was last holiday season. With the completion of my therapy, the end of meds (January will be a year), and more stability in my relationship, things are looking up.

Although I will have to work Christmas Eve and Christmas Day AND New Year's Day, I've learned it doesnt have to mean my holidays are shot.

I still have lots to be thankful for, and I have a lot to be happy about.

In addition to all of this, I am wrapping up my first semester back at college in as many years, and although it was very stressful, it was worth it. I feel like I am actually DOING something with my life, and am making something of my life.

I am taking an active role to end having to live paycheck to paycheck once and for all. I am looking at moving out of this crappy trailer in the spring (hopefully) and finally being able to start actually LIVING again.

Here's to the rest of the year...

Happy Halloween :)

2011-10-31T12:10:00.001-06:00

Come home safely

2011-09-30T20:55:00.002-06:00

Waiting for my sweetheart to come back home. She should be here Sunday afternoon about 1:30.

Here's a prayer in hopes that she makes it safely home from Alaska. I've missed you sweeheart...see you soon :)

Back in Black!

2011-09-30T17:00:00.003-06:00

Confirmed!

Just left my local shop where I buy my Copenhagen...and walked out with four rolls of Copenhagen Black.

According to him, Copenhagen is planning to make this another "limited time release" thing, so stock up while you can.

It appears and tastes identical to the last release of Black Copenhagen Long Cut, which is good enough for me.

Although, I still have a soft spot for the original Copenhagen Black mid-cut in the tan-colored tin. I don't know why, but that mid-cut Cope Black was the softest, best dip I've ever had.

CrashVector and the Quest for the Holy Grail

2011-09-27T07:50:00.001-06:00

Well, ever since two of my blog"s followers posted that they recently found cans of Copenhagen black, I have been on a tireless search for the holy grail of Copenhagen Black.

I hit my local spot where I normally buy my dip, plus Wal-Mart, plus another wal-mart, and came up empty.

The guy at the local place said he would check on it for me....dunno if he actually will or not, but hey...if USST has re-re-released Cope black, then I have every intention on stocking my freezer with rolls of the stuff to hold me over until next time.

I hope they went back to the mid-cut, as it was muuuuch smoother than the long cut variety.

I still have been unable to find any information from freshcope.com on the matter.

Will keep everyone updated should I find anything new.

The rumor is true: cope black makes yet another limited return

2011-09-25T23:29:00.002-06:00

It seem Copenhagen likes teasing us with making limited returns of Copehangen Black.

After a rather painful hiatus, the revered Copenhagen Black has indeed made a return to the shelves.

This is confirmed by two visitors to this blog, who I owe a HUGE "great job!" to for actually leaving comments so that I could let everyone who reads this blog know.

thanks again guys...good lookin' out :)

I have not personally seen any yet, but you can bet your ass I'll be hitting all the local tobacco shops daily until I find it.

And when I do, I'm going to stuff my freezer FULL this time to make sure I have enough to last through the next drought lol

The FreshCope.com site doesn't have anything about the re-re-release, but if they do, I'll be sure to post about it here.

So...GO and find yourselves some CopeBlack...and make sure to leave a comment about where you were able to find it so that everyone can enjoy :)

One problem women face:

2011-09-19T10:12:00.001-06:00

Here is the "problem" with women who refuse to ask men out on dates because they think that asking someone on a date is strictly a man's responsibility:

The mindset goes like this: Imagine a woman sitting under an apple tree, every branch laden with apples. She is also very hungry. Unfortunately for her, she has this idea that the only apples she can eat are those that fall right within arms reach on the ground.

As she sits, a few apples fall within her grasp, but they are moldy, or have worms, or aren't ripe yet, or are too small, or are blemished in some way. The apple she really wants hangs just over her head, ripe, red and delicious... only she won't stand up and reach for it. She figures that eventually it will fall right into her hands, and she will be content, for that is the way things are supposed to be.

One day she awakens to find that apple gone, and someone else happily enjoying it.

For the rest of her days she sits and complains, and eats bad apples rather than picking the one she wanted, or even choosing another one from the tree, and eventually comes to the conclusion that all apples are rotten.

The Swing of Things

2011-09-05T22:46:00.002-06:00

So, this will be my third week of classes. I've kind of gotten the hang of things now.

I have my morning routine down: Get up, bring my son to 1st grade, then head to school myself. Arrive a little more than an hour later, head to the union and get my sushi, coffee, and bottle of green tea....then sit and read the news on my netbook.

It's kind of nice actually.

However, the biggest news in my world, is that I am the new owner of a Cuisinart coffee maker. Finally got rid of the damned Mr Coffee that made my morning pick-me-up taste like burned plastic.

Tomorrow will be the first test :)

Finally back in school again

2011-08-23T22:25:00.003-06:00

So last wednesday was the first day of class. I would have blogged much sooner, but to be honest, I was quite overwhelmed with getting everything settled for class.

Scheduling classes, registering, student ID, parking permits, books, etc.

So, I'm officially a college student again. This time at Southeastern Louisiana University in Hammond. That's right...Hammond. I make the 1 hour and 15 minute drive every single morning, and then again on the way home every afternoon. Can you say GAS BILL?!

Whatever, it's actually a pleasant drive. Suzanne was right: the traffic in the morning is coming INTO Baton Rouge as I am leaving, and in the afternoon its the opposite. So, I can ride in my little smashed-up car and be smug as I watch everyone caught in rush hour traffic while I zoom by going the opposite way.

It's kind of odd sitting in a classroom with a bunch of kids that look like they are 12 years old. I'm also struck with how people dress around the campus...makes me glad I don't have a daughter to be honest, as I'd have a heart attack if I found out she was wearing some of the stuff I've seen.

I'm struggling to adjust to all the homework and studying I have to do. I went from being off 5 days a week, to being off ONE day, and most of that day is spent doing work for school, then doing work around the house that I put off because I was busy with school work.

I've been very worried lately that me being in school will drastically cut down on the time I spend with Sue. I hope it doesn't spell the end of our fun activities together. I already miss going to ballroom dancing lessons, and now I'm missing tennis and TaeKwonDo most days as well. I'm going to make a commitment to myself though that I will make it to TaeKwonDo at LEAST once per week because I need it for my mental health, and to give me something ACTIVE to do besides making the long, hot walk from my car to my first class every day.

It's kind of exciting to be honest, despite what I wrote earlier. I feel like I am FINALLY finishing what I started. I feel like I was robbed of my opportunity to do this years ago, and now I'm taking back what I feel I deserved.

Frankly, when I'm done, it will be SO nice to not have to budget literally every single dollar I make. For the first time in my life, I will be making a REAL livable wage that I can be comfortable with. Don't get me wrong, being an LPN isn't bad, as its always been a dream of mine to be a nurse, and I AM a nurse. However, if I can choose between being a nurse and not being able to enjoy my time off because I don't have much disposable income, and being a nurse and being able to relax and enjoy myself...I'll choose the latter.

I just have to make it to graduation day.

Just a quick update

2011-07-19T20:16:00.002-06:00

I'm stressed with how things are going trying to get back into school. I'm trying to get into Southeastern in Hammond. Registration in a few days, and I haven't gotten my acceptance yet. I cant sleep im so anxious.

In other news, things are well OTHER than that. The last few months have been fantastic. Full of adventures and activities, all shared with someone wonderful.

It's amazing how fun life can be when you don't have your past weighing you down, and you aren't haunted by the words and actions of a petty, spiteful, and hateful person anymore. It was a sweet, SWEET moment when I realized that what that person thinks/says/does about me just doesn't matter to me anymore. I couldn't honestly care any less, and its great.

I'm completely focused on my relationship with an absolutely stunning woman who is easily one of the most fascinating people I have ever met.

Here's to the future...

Interesting Night

2011-06-07T01:07:00.001-06:00

I had originally started posting a completely different blog entry about how life sometimes gets in the way of being able to enjoy life when my writing was interrupted by a frantic knock on my door.

A young lady was there saying she had just been attacked by someone in her front yard, and she was bleeding and obviously had just been in one hell of a fight. I let her into the living room to use my phone and retrieved my Walter P99 in case whoever this was had followed her to MY house and tried to break in to either attack her again or prevent her from calling the police.

Well, it turns out that the girl was attacked by a woman who was obviously manic. The woman's husband was in the yard crying and franticly trying to get his wife to calm down and put her clothes back on while she repeatedly tried to hit him and was calling him all means of horrible things.

Two deputies showed up shortly, and I only saw the name of one of them, deputy Garrett.

I know I am often very critical of law enforcement, but if all officers were like these two deputies, then I would gladly eat my words.

I stayed to observe because I was afraid they would treat the woman roughly or worse. I stood by and talked to her husband, attempting to reassure him as best as I could.

While one deputy gathered all the information he could, the other was actually holding the woman's hand while she rolled around on the wet grass yelling obscenities at her husband and everyone else that was around.

When one of the officers came over to where the woman's husband and I were standing, he told her husband "It's okay. She's just sick right now. She just needs a little help."

I was floored. They treated the woman with as much dignity and compassion as they possibly could.

Her husband asked me what was going on, and I did the best I could to explain.

He just kept saying how painful it was to see his wife like this because he has bipolar disorder as well, and how sorry he was that it had to come down to calling the police on his own wife.

I told him I, too had bipolar disorder, and that I had nothing but sympathy for him and his wife, but I also know that modern medicine offers treatments that are FAR more effective than they have ever been, and that within a short time, he would have the woman he loves back again.

He told me that they have been married for 17 years, and that this is only the second time that she's gotten like this because they simply could not afford the medications because they are so expensive. I told him that it says a lot about him to stand by his wife in her time of need and sickness...when so many others (like my ex-wife) would bail on her instead of doing the loving thing by standing by her and getting her the help she needs. I gave him information on public mental health services where they could obtain their medications either for free or for drastically reduced prices.

The fact that this guy is willing to stick by his wife despite how she was acting DOES say a lot. He said over and over again "This is exactly the opposite of what she's normally like. Everybody always says how sweet she is and how nice she is, but you wouldn't know it seeing her like this. It hurts my heart to see my wife like this and know that she will probably see ME like this too."

That's rare. VERY rare. He obviously loves her very much. It makes me sad that most people would be like my exwife, and simply choose to leave and belittle instead of realizing what is really doing on. People don't stop to think about the damage it does to someone to be treated as if they are sub-human when they are only sick.

What I saw from the two deputies tonight did a lot to restore my faith in law enforcement.

Marriage vows

2011-05-10T18:29:00.003-06:00

"I, CrashVector, make you my companion for life as my wife. I promise to keep my eyes and heart and soul only on you because I freely and willingly chose you. No one put a gun to my head. When things are difficult, as they will occasionally be, that will not be my sign to run away, but an indicator that we must stay even closer together as it’s the only way we can make it. Some days we may not feel like we are in love, but I will always remember that love is not a feeling; it is a choice. And I will always choose to love you. I proimise to honor, cherish, and respect you for the rest of my days on earth, and vow to be an ever faithful partner and companion to you. You are my best friend, and I vow to do everything in my power to ensure that our friendship and companionship survives the test of time. Nothing but death shall separate us. Not divorce papers, extramarital affairs, hobbies, or jobs, because I promise to make you the most important priority in my life. I promise to do my best every single day to ensure you know exactly how much I love you and how my soul is bound forever to you. You have earned my respect and my love, and I vow to always remind myself of how much you insipre me and how much I admire you. Now let's get off this altar and start sharing some adventures together."

Admittedly, this is an off-the-cuff example of something I would say, but I think it makes the point. I don't much like the woman's version where she vows to "love, honor and obey" as I don't see a wife as a pet. She does not have to OBEY me.

Rather, I'd prefer to know that my wife respects and admires me for being the man that I am and for being a good husband, but that's just my thoughts on the matter.

Black Copenhagen Discontinued!

2011-05-06T01:37:00.002-06:00

Looks like USST discontinued my all-time favorite dip. AGAIN.

I don't get it. This stuff has a HUGE fan-base, so why would they repeatedly discontinue it?

I encourage all of you that liked it to give USST a call and complain. Maybe they will reintroduce it again.

You heard it here first: Black Copenhagen is officially no more.

The Crow

2011-05-06T00:44:00.002-06:00

"I believe there is a place where the restless souls wander. Burdened by the weight of their own sadness, they wait for a chance to set the wrong things right. Only then can they be reunited with the ones they love. Sometimes, a crow shows them the way, because sometimes, love is stronger than death."

-Sarah, from the movie "The Crow: City of Angels"

Bin Laden is DEAD.

2011-05-02T15:47:00.005-06:00

It is not often I am so callous about another human being losing their life, but in THIS case, I can only say the following:

"Good riddance, you murdering bastard."

Maybe now, the families of the 3,000+ people killed in the 9/11 attacks can finally truly start to heal themselves.

His death is proof there just might be justice in the world. News reports are saying he was shot in the head after refusing to surrender. Good.

It would be a real shame having tax payers foot the bill to feed a guy that murdered THOUSANDS of our own citizens. Oh well, bullets are cheap.

Hope they had a contract with a cleaning company to mop up all the blood in his bedroom.

Personally, I feel they should have returned the favor done to many of our friends and families in 9/11 and service members at the hands of this bastard: Shot in the head, decapitated, then hung from a light pole and set on fire. Guess its good enough that he is fish food instead, but wouldn't it have been nice to feed him to a pack of wild pigs instead?

Breathless

2011-04-18T22:02:00.002-06:00

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take;But by the moments that take our breath away.

That woman takes my breath away every single time I see her. This is in no way an exaggeration. I look at her and get absolutely lost in her gorgeous eyes that are as deep as the ocean...the air feels like it gets so thick that I cannot inhale. Everything else kind of fades into the periphery, and all I can see or hear is her. The world around me feels like it moves in slow motion and all I can feel is this tingling sensation in my stomach, and my heart actually flutters. Every muscle in my body relaxes at once and my soul feels like it starts jumping up and down pointing at her saying "It's HER! It's HER! SHE is the one I belong with! Hey you, Matt...pay attention!"

I want this, God. I want to feel like this for the rest of my life...she is the only woman who has ever had that effect on me, and I love it. I love HER.

I cannot adequately articulate how it feels with words...it just feels....RIGHT. That is the ONLY way I can really express it...it just feels like it does when you put two pieces of a puzzle together and they fit.

At the nurse's station.

2011-04-18T00:24:00.002-06:00

I'll never forget this. I was sitting at one of four computers at the small desk in the tiny nurse's station on the mental/behavioral unit. I was mostly absorbed in doing my charting...when it happened. I was taken COMPLETELY off guard.

I paused for a second in my work, and started to look up. Out of the corner of my left eye, I saw a pair of galaxy blue scrub pants flash by with a matching galaxy blue sweater. I looked up at her...and the air suddenly got too thick to breathe.

I followed her with my eyes as she walked around the corner of the desk, and sat down at the computer diagonally across from me. I was completely speechless. Here sat the single most beautiful woman I had ever laid eyes on...and her eyes...oh my GOD her eyes were gorgeous.

She laid her hands flat on the desk, and I noticed she was wearing a small gold ring with gemstones in it. She smiled at me and said "Hi, how are you?" with that inflection in her voice that I cannot forget. I remember it took me a split second to gather my wits about me and actually make a verbal response. I was shocked. Floored.

From that day on, I would try to make sure that I sat at whatever computer was across from her. That way, I could peek over the top of the monitor and steal little glances of her. She was PAINFULLY gorgeous in an non-presumptuous way. Strikingly beautiful in a way I cannot find the words to describe.

Every now and then she would notice that I was peeking at her, and i would immediately try and play it off. After all, how could a woman like THAT possibly be interested in ME?

Little did I know.

I often think about moments such as this when i think about her. God she was just a wonderful lady...and kind and warm-hearted. The first time I heard it, I immediately fell in love with her laugh.

God, if you are listening...you brought us together then for a reason...I hope you find reason enough to bring us BACK together. Mostly though, she deserves to be happy. She is an angel with green eyes, and deserves to be treated like one. I know I failed miserably to do so in the past, but you know what is in my heart and what is in my soul. she is everything I have ever dreamed of, and I hope she can say the same about me some day despite what happened.

Love is patient. Love is kind. It is not jealous.

Advice I gave on a forum

2011-04-15T23:43:00.002-06:00

I wrote this, then decided I should post it on my blog before going to bed.

This was a reply I made in response to a lady who is contemplating divorcing her husband because they had hit a "rough patch" as she put it, and said that she believed that marriages should be happy and joyful all the time.

Here is my exact reply and copied directly from the forum. Note, there is the name of another member, FatherK, who is NOT a priest, but that is his forum name.

Start of quote:

CrashVector said:

I will add this, because it is a fundamental truth about human nature:

If you go in search of something, you will ALWAYS find that which you seek.

Meaning, if you are searching for reasons your marriage sucks, you will find lots of them.

If you look for reasons why your marriage is wonderful, you will find lots of THOSE instead.

I agree with FatherK. Money is a VERY poor reason for a divorce, and it speaks more to you looking out for yourself instead of what is best for your MARRIAGE, specifically in the contexts to which you eluded. Its not like he consistantly overspends. The guy made ONE mistake for crying out loud...he shouldn't be crucified for it by watching his wife leave him because of an ACCIDENT. Even you realize it was an accident because you said so.

I learned a LOT about marriage by going through a divorce. The first, and BEST lesson I learned is this: Often, you will need to put your own personal desires, even ones that are LEGITIMATE aside for the sake of your marriage. It's just how it works. The only time it is an actual problem is when you have to do it for the long-term, or on a consistant basis. It is perfectly acceptable and proper to do so on a short term basis for the viability of your relationship, and is one of the many ways a married couple shows devotion and love to one another.

But there will ALWAYS come a time when you will have to suffer for your marriage, and you will be happier for it. Come together as one, and your marriage will be stronger. Approach it from an advesarial or me vs. you or "winner" and "loser" standpoint, and you will BOTH lose. You will lose the love of your life, and you will lose your marriage. I made THIS mistake with my gf, and its not a mistake I'm going to repeat, trust me.

for some reason, people think they should never have to feel any pain. Pain is how we learn, and it gives us perspective on the good times. You know..the theory of relativity. Something is only good when compared to something that isn't good. Pain in a marriage is temporary usully, and if you are able to put aside your selfish desires and needs, it will cause you pain...but that pain will NOT be pointless, as your marriage will be stronger for it. Through that temporary pain that comes from accepting and setting boundaries, you will learn to appreciate the love you share and the good times even more. Trust me on this: I know this from PERSONAL experience.

Take it from someone who knows because I already made this mistake: you aren't SUPPOSED to be happy and pain free all the time.

I will wrap up my reply with something I used to tell my patients all the time:

Think of a desert. It's sunshine all the time in a desert. It's warm all the time in the desert. How many rose gardens do you see growing out in the middle of the Sahara? None. Because in order to grow a beautiful rose, it MUST rain every now and then. It takes BOTH sunshine AND rain to cultivate something beautiful. the same applies to marriages and other romantic relationships.

--------------------
"Love doesnt make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile."

God's plan

2011-04-15T22:35:00.002-06:00

Most people that know me would not say I am religious in the classical sense of the word, but would call me very "spiritual". They say this because while I do not go about making grandiose speeches professing my faith and how the bible guides my deeds, I definately live by a firm code of "honor" that is most certainly driven by my Catholic upbringing.

What I mean is that I'm a "Let your actions speak for you" kind of Catholic. As some of you know, I collect quotations in a large 5-subject notebook. When I hear or read a quote that I find especially meaningful, I will go to my closet, break out the notebook, and add to it. I have several quotes from the bible that I have found inspirational throughout the years, and here are some of my very favorites concerning having faith that God has a plan for us all. These all come straight from my notebook:

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Isaiah 12:2
Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation."

It's My Life

2011-04-14T19:35:00.003-06:00

I want this song played at my funeral...so that everyone knows how I lived my life.

I took the risks, and I paid the price for it sometimes, but it was ALWAYS worth it. I wouldn't change anything.

I stood strong and faced the challenges my life has brought to me. When life beat me to my knees, I got back up and fought even harder.

I realized I was a fighter for a reason. My body can be broken. My heart can be broken. Even my mind can be broken. My spirit NEVER can be. I NEVER give up, no matter how much it hurt or how much suffering I had to endure...I never gave up, and I never will. I'm a fighter at HEART. I like that about myself. I have the physical scars to prove just how much fight I have in me, and its a GOD-awful lot. It's what kept me alive during the hardest times in my life, and it is what inspires me to live my life to the fullest...a life well-lived.

I've wept for my principles, and I have bled for them too. I've watched a pool of my own blood spread across the floor, and I fought for my life. I won.

I've found myself again, and its a beautiful thing. I sit here in tears at the realization that I really, truly have found myself after so long. These are not tears of sadness...these are tears of joy...the kind of joy that comes from making it through the darkest part of your life..when you honestly did not think you would survive...and you realize you fought like a madman for your birthright, the chance to really LIVE. I remember writing out my will when I was just 29 because I did not think I would live to see 30. Well here I am...34. And I'm not going ANYWHERE.

I've lived my life the only way I know how...the only way I could.

I've had my heart broken many times, but it was always worth it because in that moment when my entire life flashes before my eyes, I want to see the faces of the people I have loved, and be able to leave this world with a smile on my face.

When I see St. Peter, I want him to look at me with big eyes, and I want him to say "Matt, I gotta give it to you pal...you lived one HELL of a life, and you taught people how to love with abandon regardless of the costs, and it was beautiful to see how much love you were capable of. You ALWAYS tried your best and you ALWAYS tried to do the right thing no matter what it meant. We've watched you...watched you carefully, and you're an inspiration to what the heart is capable of."

Damn straight.

Now, I'm going to get off this computer and make the most of the second chance I've earned to live my life MY way...the only way I know how....

5 Love Love Languages

2011-04-13T19:00:00.001-06:00

6 Words of Affirmation

8 Quality Time

1 Receiving Gifts

3 Acts of Service

12 Physical Touch

Your Love Language:
Physical Touch

A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, and thoughtful touches on the arm—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

Ettan Snus vs. Black Copenhagen

2011-04-12T15:40:00.002-06:00

Battle of the heavyweights lol

Two of my all-time favorites going head-to-head in an epic battle of the ages.

the contenders: Black Copenhagen vs. Ettan Snus. A relative newcomer vs the seasoned veteran. Will the new kid have what it takes to prevail? Let's find out:

OVERVIEWS:

Black Copenhagen: Everyone who has seen this blog knows how excited I was to see this on the shelf again. Basically, it is a remake of Copenhagen Black, except it is long cut vs the older dip's smoother mid-cut. The one thing that kind of makes me mad about it, but it is more of an inconvenience than anything else, is how similar the can looks to the craptacular "Copenhagen Natural Long Cut". the only real difference is that Black Copenhagen has gold letters. I have been handed the wrong can of dip a million times because they look too similar. That, and seriously, Copenhagen Natural is some horrible stuff...and if I get home without realizing it, it pisses me off if they give me that instead of Black Copenhagen. Billed as Bourbon Flavored dip.

Ettan Snus: one of the oldest brands of Swedish Snus. There's a reason this stuff has been around since Moby Dick was a minnow. Natural-flavored snus. Main Drawback: gotta order it from Sweden. Can sometimes take FOREVER to get here. Prices have gone up.

Now, on with the fight:

Black Copenhagen, while a faithful reproduction of Copenhagen Black, doesn't have the same soft texture of the original. It can make your mouth sore if you use it more often than usual for a day or so. Would be MUCH better if they went back to the mid-cut.

Ettan is snus. I prefer the Los (loose) snus, but you can also get it in pouches. I will stick to the los version for the purposes of making a direct comparison. the texture is very fine and almost silky. Also, there is more actual product in the can, making it last longer. You use less at a time as well...another plus. The downside to this soft, powdery, silky texture is that it gets ALL OVER your mouth. There's just no way to avoid it. You use this stuff...DON'T go anywhere that you are going to need to impress anyone, because its awfully hard to do with snus all over your teeth.

WINNER: DRAW. Texture goes to Ettan, ease of use goes to Black Copenhagen.

The flavor of Black Copenhagen is pretty instense...which is a good thing in this case. Strong bourbon flavor, just like the original. the flavor also lasts for quite a long time....more than an hour if you don't sit there and slobber a lot or spit too often.

The flavor of Ettan is very slightly smoky, pure tobacco. I very much like the flavor, but after a can or so, I seem to get used to the flavor, and it doesnt seem to pack as much "flavor punch". Kind of disappointing because the flavor is SO good.

WINNER: BLACK COPENHAGEN because I don't get used to the flavor like i do with Ettan. If I were rating strictly based on initial flavor, I would choose the Ettan Snus every time.

The nicotine punch in Black Copenhagen is significant. Newbies beware, it WILL make you barf if you are trying dip for the first time. It's just powerful stuff.

The nicotine punch of Ettan Snus is more subtle, but seems to last longer for some reason. It's not intense by ANY means of the word, but seems to "stick with you" for some reason. Plus, you can get away with using less over time.

WINNER: DRAW. Copenhagen is stronger, but Ettan lasts longer.

Black Copenhagen, which being one of my favorite dips period, is known to cause cancer of the mouth, throat and stomach. Ingredients are secret, and the company does not make a list of all of its ingredients available. Not a deal-breaker for me, as I still use it, but it WOULD be nice to know what I'm putting in my mouth.

Ettan Snus, like all Swedish Snus brands, has been proven to NOT increase cancer risks. Also, it is made using the Gothiatek method, meaning ONLY food-grade ingredients are used. Swedish law considered snus a food, and therefore, all ingredients MUST be listed by law. You can literally eat this stuff and it won't upset your stomach. Yes, I tried it...how else could I make this claim?

WINNER: ETTAN SNUS. Landslide victory in this category.

Overall winner: Draw. This speaks to the quality of both of these products, as both of them are outstanding in their respective categories. Either one will suit your needs very, very well.

What would make me choose one over the other? If you are trying to get away from all tobacco products, then choose the Ettan Snus. It is safer, and since the nicotine lasts longer per dip, you will have less cravings, and it will be easier to quit over time.

If you do NOT want to quit, and do not want to the hassle of ordering your snus from overseas, then go with the Copenhagen.

Cryin'

2011-04-12T01:18:00.000-06:00

My Latest Personality Type Test Results

2011-03-29T17:44:00.000-06:00

ENFJ- The Teacher
You scored 55% I to E, 32% N to S, 14% F to T, and 47% J to P!

Your type is known as the teacher, or the educating mentor. You also belong to the larger group, called idealists. You tend to bring out the best in other people. You lead without seeming to do so. People are naturally drawn to you. You expect the very best from people which takes the form of enthusiastic encouragement which is so charming that people try their best not to disappoint you. You share your personality type with 3% of the population.
You need to feel a deep and meaningful connection to your romantic partners, and go to great lengths to understand and please your mate. Harmony is vitally important to you, and you often put others' needs before your own. You have a pretty thin skin and are easily hurt. Although you strive for harmony, when your values or ethics are violated, you can be very emotional, confrontational, and even punishing. However, you are very insightful about the underlying cause of conflicts, and an excellent communicator, so you have the tools to bring about a quick and peaceful resolution as long as you can keep control of your facilities. You want to be appreciated for your thoughtfulness and compassion. You need your partner to make a real effort to get to know you. Above all, you need to be able to express your feelings and have them taken seriously.

I swear.

2011-03-23T22:04:00.000-06:00

What is WRONG with us?!

2011-03-21T23:42:00.002-06:00

A friend of mine posted a link on facebook today that made me angry.

It was a post about an Indian police officer who was attacked by a drug cartel. They threw homemade bombs at him, and he lost his legs in the attack.

The video shows him laying in the road BEGGING for help, while people simply drove by. No one stopped to help him until more than 20 minutes later. He DIED because no one CARED enough. He left behind a wife and two children!

I am a nurse for a reason. There is NO WAY I could have lived with myself if I wouldn't have stopped and tried to help.

The problem, as I see it, with the human species is that we are SELFISH.

We are all about ME, getting more, having more than the next person, how can I get more stuff, how can I be more 'powerful', how can I get one more rung on the ladder higher?

This "every man for himself" attitude we as a species have gravitated to MUST STOP. The problem is that we do not feel responsible to anything bigger than ourselves anymore.

When you don't believe in anything bigger than yourself, you have no direction...you become myopic and selfish.

Whatever happened to the "Golden Rule"? Since when have humans become SO cold as to be able to watch a man die when he could have easily been saved?! In that video I saw at LEAST 15 people walk by who were wearing belts. Since when is a $15 belt worth more than a man's life? Take off the damned belt and use it as a tourniquet for God's sake!

We have lost God. We have lost our sense of responsibility to our fellow man. We have become SO near-sighted that we cannot see that our actions DO affect others. We have a sacred duty to watch out for each other.

I simply REFUSE to live like this. I will NEVER be able to turn my back on someone who needs me...nor would I want to.

Everyone needs to go listen to the Black Eyed Peas song "Where Is The Love?" right now.

As Mother Teresa said "...Love is like a burning wildfire...it spreads from heart to heart..". Might as well start with me and you.

Show the world that we are BETTER than this! Show the world that God is NOT forgotten.

Go out...do something good for someone else today just because you can. Do this enough, and the wildfire WILL spread.

My first kiss....my first lesson about relationships

2011-03-16T08:52:00.003-06:00

This isn't the kind of thing most men think about, but in the past few months, I had been having to think about my past and how I handled things versus how I started to handle them post divorce.

Naturally, the story begins with my first girlfriend. Ah yes....Christine. I was in 8th grade and she was in 7th grade.

She was the prettiest thing I had ever seen. Her hair was cut short, just past her jawline. She had green eyes, and was VERY spunky. I guess I've always been the guy that is attracted to the spunky type, and this has followed me even through my most recent relationship with a wonderful woman who was also full of spunk.

I remember how nervous I was when I asked her to be my girlfriend in that awkward junior high school kind of way. She has told me she liked me, and I figured why not? She was cute, and we had been friends for a while.

I used to sneak away from my parent's house on every junior high kid's version of a car: a bicycle. She didn't exactly live far away from my house, about 5 or 6 minutes by bike. I can remember setting the time we would meet up before we left school, and I would tear off on my bike, pedaling as fast as I possibly could.

She didn't have the best home life, living with her mom, sister, and stepfather, who was abusive to all of them. I guess even from the start, I felt the need to be "the rescuer". I felt I could protect her and keep her from getting hurt.

the first time we kissed was awsome...again, in a VERY awkward kind of way, but hey...she was pretty and I liked her a lot. It wasn't one of those face-sucking kisses of course, but one of those peck-on-the-lips type, but I can remember being very embarassed for some reason.

I guess it didn't help that I had made a critical tactical error in forgetting my aunt lived practically across the street, and she promptly ratted me out to my parents, who made a HUGE deal over it...shaming me further.

Anyhow, we stayed together for the rest of the school year, and during the summer, she told me she had to move to be with her father out of state. I was heartbroken. My first girlfriend was moving away and there was nothing I could do about it. One way or the other...I was going to lose her.

I guess I was advanced for my age or something, but I realized she was moving to her father's house to get away from the abuse of her stepfather. Although I was heartbroken, I can also remember being very glad she would never be hurt by him again. Kind of bittersweet.

I spent a few weeks being very very sad that she was gone. I cried a bit, and stayed in my room watching TV and playing my Sega Genesis (or was it the Coleco-Vision?). Eventually, I decided that some basketball with my friend Ryan sounded good, and he and I started playing every day. Before long, my heartache was forgotten, but I never forgot HER.

She was my first kiss afterall. That is something NO ONE ever forgets, I dont care if you are a man or a woman, your first kiss is something you never forget.

What I learned from this girl was that nothing is forever. Eventually, if you live long enough, those you love WILL leave. Either by "death do us part" or other means.

Did that stop me from being willing to open up again and find love again? Obviously not, but it was a lesson I never forgot. I also didnt forget the OTHER lesson I learned.

Those first few relationships are some of the fondest everyone remembers. Why is that? Because they are so simple. They are simple because at a young age, we view our girlfriends as someone to be with when we aren't playing with our friends. Now I realize that it doesn't work that way in the adult world, but I'm sure you understand what I mean.

We look back on them fondly because they were innocent relationships...we remember how we felt around that other person, how nice it was to be with them, and know that we could still spend time playing with our friends down the street without worrying about our girlfriend getting all bent out of shape about taking the afternoon off to play some hoops with Ryan, or going to soccer practice, or TaeKwonDo tournaments or whatever.

Then, when we DID meet up again soon afterwards, we would have LOADS of stuff to talk about. It was neat to have someone else be interested in the things I was doing, and it was ALSO neat to have someone want to tell me what SHE was up to while we were apart.

I still remember the little glimmer in her eye as she told me about going shopping with her big sister and her sister's friends and how she felt like she fit in. Yes, I remember the conversation. She said her sister bought her one of those big cookies from the mall, and she got herself a pair of "dangling earrings". LOL.

The moral of the story: That relationship STILL makes me smile at times. It still makes me smile because I remember it fondly. It was kind of cute and sweet in a child-like kind of way. It was light and friendly and peaceful. Because neither of us stopped being ourselves, we had LOTS to talk about and were very interested in each other's lives.

Basically, neither of us gave up the things that made us interested in each other to begin with. It's a lesson I never forgot...until my divorce made me question myself.

I thought maybe I had done the wrong thing by maintaining my own life separate from my marriage. Of course, that separate life was a very small portion of my life, as I spent the vast majority of my time being a husband first. If I had to put a number to it...I would say probably 75/25. 75 percent of the time, I was a husband tending to my wife's needs and the needs of running a household. 25 percent of the time, I was off doing my own thing...just being me...fishing, hunting, riding my bike, etc.

That seems to be a comfortable level for me, the 75/25 ratio. Of course, that's within a marriage. In a dating situation, as it was before we got married, the ratio was more like 60/40, but I always desired to spend MORE time with her.

THAT's how it's supposed to be though....never spending so much time together that you feel like you've had enough time together. The old saying "Always leave them wanting more" is very wise indeed. Forcing yourself to spend less time than you actually want is pretty smart when you really think about it...it keeps desire and love alive. If you stop short of spending all the time you want to spend with the other person, you always walk away wanting more. You always look forward to being with that other person again.

This is something I realized before I got married...and it is something I have remembered again.

I liked things BETTER this way. I ALWAYS felt excited to be together, and was always VERY happy when we could.

It kept things alive.

The first lesson I ever learned was the most important...and one I will NEVER forget again.

Realization Part 1.

2011-03-14T01:32:00.004-06:00

THE question. It is THE question that has consumed me like fire consumes a log of oak. Eating at me from the inside out and filling my head with "what if?" and "If only".

If someone offered a magic pill...that would "cure" bipolar disorder, but would ALSO erase all the benefits and things I have learned or experienced while dealing with the disorder...would I take that pill?

The bittersweet answer is:

no.

God made me the way that I am. While I certainly could do without the pain and suffering I have endured, and have made OTHERS to endure by my actions and behaviors, I simply MUST assume that God intended me to be this way.

It has been my curse and my cross....and is now also my salvation and resurrection.

How can I say this after all of the torturous years I have spent on the brink of hell on earth? Simple. I would NOT be the man I am today were it not for bipolar disorder.

I simply would not have the understanding of the inner workings of my own heart and mind would it not have been for the years of agonizing therapy I willingfully endured. I simply would not be as complete a person if I did not also have bipolar disorder.

Before I continue, I feel I MUST say this: To any of you have I have hurt, either intentionally or unintentionally, I am truly and deeply sorry. I assure you, this entry is in NO WAY intended to give the impression that I am suddenly somehow okay with the fact that I hurt ANYONE, because I most certainly am NOT. I now, and for many years to come, will bear the shame of the mis-deeds comitted by me against those I care about and love, or have loved. This entry is instead, about one single facet of a hundred other facets of the comming to terms with who and what I am and how being bipolar has influenced this. It is in no way meant to imply that I feel I should be given carte blanche over my past transgressions.

I have come to accept the downfalls of being bipolar, and I have certainly written plenty of posts lamenting them. Now, I will post the reasons why (and this is my dirty little secret) sometimes, just SOMETIMES, I actually LIKE having bipolar disorder.

I perceive the world in a way that people who do not have bipolar disorder simply cannot comprehend. Every sound, every smell, every movement carries special meaning to me. Nothing escapes. My mind does not filter out the details most people miss...and some of these details make the world very beautiful indeed.

My capacity to love and feel love is quite exquisite, especially when compared against the stereotypical man. I feel no shame for the fact that when my heart is breaking, I cry. A LOT. Sometimes for days or even weeks at a time. People say it is not normal to hurt to such a degree. Instead of being defensive, I simply say "The amount of pain one is capable of feelings is exactly equal to the amount of LOVE one is capable of feeling." There can never be too much love in this world, and I am in a group of people that can feel love like no one else. And you know what? I am THANKFUL for this.

There is someone out there at this very moment (she knows who she is) that is directly responsible for opening my eyes to that last paragraph. Before her, I never completely understood what real, true love felt like. It was so powerful, it actually scared me enough to call my doctor our of fear that my medications were possibly harming me. Because of her, would I be called back to God tomorrow, I could meet Him with a smile knowing that I have experienced that which inspired some of the greatest works of art in history: True love. The power of this feeling will be carried with me to my grave, and beyond. It was, and still is, the most beautiful thing I have ever felt in my life. I never realized I could feel that way about someone who was not my own flesh and blood. Thank you. Thank God for you, my sweetheart with the pretty eyes. You were my inspiration and my motivation. You showed me that if I never gave up, I would be okay. Because of the love you showed and gave, I made it to the end. The love we shared was the fuel that made me able to persevere. I admire her more than I can express with words. The bravery she displayed in facing her OWN trials left me in awe. She is simply the most amazing woman (and PERSON period) I have ever known. My single greatest regret is that I was not strong enough to insulate this absolute angel of a woman from the shrapnel of my pain. I honor her for the things she taught me, and love her deeply. More importantly, I RESPECT her as a person, and I'm quite sure God has great things in store for someone as special as her. I hope I am around when His plan is revealed so that I may see her finally claim her prize for being ever vigilant and true.

That's right...God has something special in mind for you...and I pray every night that you don't have to wait much longer to reap your just reward. It is very clear to me and everyone that knows you: God clearly spent a little more time on you when he crafted your soul. You are special. Not just in MY eyes, but in God's eyes as well. Please never forget this.

Because of bipolar disorder, I am now much more aware of how my own behaviors will affect my son. My wonderful little boy. Through my work in therapy, I can clearly see how the actions of my OWN father affected me. Because of bipolar disorder, I sought out to conquer my demons, and in the process got something much more valuable: insight. I now have much greater insight into how what I do and say, how I react and how I fail to react will affect my son. It's like having the Cliff's Notes to childhood development from a first-person perspective. For this, I am also grateful, because it has equipped me to be a better dad to my son.

Throughout my trials, I never lost sight of hope. I bought a titanium ring with crosses cut out of the band to remind me to never lose hope. When I got discouraged, I would look at my left index finger and remember. I wore this ring every single day for more than 4 years. It gave me power to push through obstacles. I never lost sight of what I wanted to be, and really, what I wanted to be was who I WAS. Follow that?

Here, having reached the end of my journey, hindsight is most definately 20/20. I clearly recall a time in my life when everything made more sense. Everything was calm and peaceful and happy. I was within a hair's breadth of my dreams, and I was at peace.

My illness and impending diagnosis, and the resulting trauma both of these resulted in covered those peaceful times in a thick layer of soot. Soot composed of anger, pain, and sadness. My work these past years was NOT trying to reinvent the wheel. It was simply trying to sweep away the soot that covered that wheel. You see, I was there all along, but not even I could see that throught the thick covering of blackened powder.

When something is covered in a layer of volcanic ash, it is easy to identify the form before you as a clay pot or a wagon wheel or a crude fork, but it is impossible to see the colors that clay pot was painted, or the grain of the wood on the wheel, or what kind of metal the fork is made of.

That's what I've done. I've cleared away the soot so that now everyone including myself can clearly see what it is that I am TRULY made of again.

I am clean. I am ready. Most of all, I am FREE.

My life and my dreams are mine again. I have what I fought so hard to reclaim. What was once stolen from me is MINE again.

I have my life back.

P.S. I have since retired the titanium ring I wore during the hardest times in my life. As I wore the ring over time, it became covered in marks and scars. The longer I wore it, the more scars it obtained. Symbolic of the ring taking on the scars that I was shedding one by one.

You know what?

2011-03-11T23:00:00.002-06:00

Why is it that I'm still always trying to fix things that aren't broken anymore?

Father Gallen told me something that struck me "God speaks through your HEART. That turmoil in your head? That is YOU trying to argue with what God is telling you. Stop arguing with God and learn to accept that He wants the best for you. God LOVES you, and that is ABSOLUTELY the truth. God would NOT lie to you."

My heart is telling me a few things lately. What Father Gallen told me has made me become more mindful of listening to what my heart is saying, and to stop trying to over-ride that by my head.

This is what my heart is telling me the last few weeks:

1. I'm done with my therapy work. I have put in the YEARS of work and effort and time, and I am finally finished. TRUST that I did my job, and did it VERY well.

2. Let go of the past. Let it go and start realizing that because of the work that I have done, I am better equipped than at ANY previous time in my life to lead a happy, fulfilled life. No longer do I have to lean on anyone or anything. I can stand on my own two feet emotionally speaking.

3. I love her, and what we had was VERY special. I keep trying to over-ride what my heart tells me to do out of fear of making a mistake and making things worse. My heart tells me I owe her a GREAT debt, and I am willing to pay up. I am willing to pay up in order to have the love that I believe, through my heart, that God intended to exist.

4. Dove-tailed into #3, I feel I have sinned. I have sinned and God is telling me to make it right. Throwing away (well, I didnt exactly throw it away), but spoiling a gift from God is a sin. God brought us together, of this I have NO doubt. I also believe God did not intend things to happen this way...well...maybe so, but not permanantly.

5. I have a chance at redemption. I have a chance to prove once and for all, that I am who I say I am, and that I am FINISHED. I am FINALLY a complete person again. I have sought out, oncovered, and reclaimed the pieces of my soul that were lost for so long. They are mine once again...and THIS time...this time I'm not going back. I have EANRED my salvation from the hell I was living in...and forced HER to live in as well.

I'm standing on the edge of the pit of dispair and mis-trust holding the rope. I hope she still loves me enough to grab that rope, and loves me enough to meet me on the edge, where we can both look back over our shoulders at that pit and say "Boy...glad THAT's over. Let's go be happy and get busy living the rest of our lives together."

Conversation with a priest.

2011-03-11T01:03:00.001-06:00

The lesson? Trust my heart. Forgo fear. Let go of everything I fear to lose, and put my faith in God. Don't grasp so tightly out of fear of losing...but be happy that I dont HAVE to hold onto something so hard just to keep it.

There's a certain joy in not having to clutch at something our of fear of it leaving...but in knowing instead that I can set it free, and it will come back.

THIS is what I have learned about love. It's like a bird: It needs to fly every now and then...and if it is true...it will come home when its wings are tired, and I will be there to provide it rest and comfort and peace.

What makes me trust that this love will not fly to someone else? Faith. Faith that I know what I feel in my heart is real...and God's promise that he wants the best for us all.

Quotes about missing your love

2011-03-03T02:12:00.002-06:00

Since i have been unable to put into words how I feel since I lost the woman I love, I delved deep into my notebook where I collect quotations, and found these quotes that state exactly how I feel:

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell. ~Edna St Vincent Millay

Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated. ~Lamartine

All days are nights to see till I see thee,
And nights bright days when dreams do show thee to me.
~William Shakespeare

Absence from whom we love is worse than death, and frustrates hope severer than despair. ~William Cowper

Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle
Everything I do is stitched with its color.
~W.S. Merwin

I dropped a tear in the ocean. The day you find it is the day I will stop missing you. ~Author Unknown

To die and part is a less evil; but to part and live, there, there is the torment. ~George Lansdowne

Testing the theory

2011-03-01T00:14:00.003-06:00

I am now officially finished with my work in therapy.

Before I am ready to try again with my ex, whom I still love very much, I need a way to test how ready I am.

I'm not willing to hurt her anymore, so before I can try and reopen that door, I owe it to her to be confident that what I say is true. If it is not, then the honorable thing to do would be to leave her alone.

I simply will NOT continue to hurt her, so I must be sure I am ready when I do try.

I have arranged a couple of dates, and yes, the women are aware of the situation as I made it very clear to them what was going on. I am NOT okay with emotional deception, and live by a personal code of honor, so I would not have been able to live with myself had I not informed them of what I was doing.

Both of these women agreed. So, in the coming weeks, I will be putting myself to the hardest test I have subjected myself to until now: I will attempt to use all the things I have learned throughout the years, and correct the mistakes I made with my exgf.

I know what these mistakes were, but honestly, I will not go into that here because I am making an effort to make a shift. Plus, it would take too long.

Wish me luck and God, if you are listening to me, keep her heart open. I am doing this for the most worthwhile and honorable reason that you yourself "invented"...love. I am doing it for love. You know how I feel in my heart, and you know what I think as well. You know I truly believe she is the one for me...and I hope that I am not wrong in my thinking that your plan was for us to come together, expose our weaknesses, then separate to fix them before we came back together again in order to be happy for the rest of our lives.

I think this was your plan. If it was not, please answer me in a way that isn't going to break my heart in the end. If it IS indeed your plan, then please...let this work. Let her heart be open to me.

UPDATE: I couldnt bring myself to go in the end. It felt like I was cheating on her, and I couldn't do it. I'm still in love with someone else, and even though it was NOT really a "date", something about going felt very wrong, and I could not make myself go.

How I feel

2011-02-25T22:54:00.002-06:00

You know, I want to reach out and connect with her, but I can't. I couldnt do it before or else I wouldnt be heartbroken right now. Much like with so many people that want to be football players, sometimes the desire outweighs ability. I'm just not able to.

I would do anything to be a little kid again right now. Skinned knees and broken bones heal a lot faster and hurt less than a broken heart.

It's the saddest thing in the entire world: loving someone who USED to love me. It hurts SO much. She wants me to move on. Yeah, well as soon as forever is finished, I'll be over her. She was the love of my life.

REAL loss only occurs when you lose someone you loved more than yourself. I was willing to give anything for that woman. Even my life it the situation called for it.

Its the story of my life: I meet her. I fall in love with her very hard. She hardly stumbled. I'm the one so broken I cant eat or sleep. She seems to be happier than she's been in a long time, and I guess that should tell me something. If I love her as much as I claim to, I need to let her go if she's happier without me.

If you are going to make me cry, at least be here to wipe away the tears.

What am i going to do?

2011-02-25T20:43:00.002-06:00

In three days, on Monday, it will be four weeks since we broke up. Feel like it happened yesterday. It was 7 days before valentine's day...Feb 7th. The day my world came crashing to an abrupt halt.

I weighed 186 pounds that morning. As of today, I weigh 157 pounds.

The guilt I feel for hurting her is indescribable. I did something TERRIBLE, and I know it. I'm paying the price by having lost the woman i wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

I have been unable to eat since that day. I let other people SEE me eating something, but within a few minutes, i get so sick that I throw it up. I let them see me eating so they won't worry about me...but people are starting to notice.

I just simply feel SO extremely terrible for what I did to her. Im SO lost without her. So empty for what I've done.

God...be merciful on her. She did not deserve this. Please, take her pain from her and give it to me. I am the cause of her pain, and I am the one that deserves it.

Set her free, God...and help me to set her free. Give me the strength and courage to let the love of my life go.

dating style

2011-02-25T02:56:00.000-06:00

Steady, reliable, and cradling her tenderly. Take a deep breath, and let it out real easy...you are The Slow Dancer

Your focus is love, not sex, and for your age, you have average experience. But you’re a great, thoughtful guy, and your love life improves every year. There’s also a powerful elimination process working in your favor: most Playboy types get stuck raising unwanted kids before you even begin settling down. The women left over will be hot and yours. Your ideal woman is someone intimate, intelligent, and very supportive.

While you’re not exactly the life of the party, you do thrive in small groups of smart people. Your circle of friends is extra tight and it’s HIGHLY likely they’re just like you. You appreciate symmetry in relationships.

proves why I was SO much in love with her. she IS my ideal woman.

Sadness

2011-02-24T21:26:00.003-06:00

I am SO sad and lonely without her.

She was more than my girlfriend of 2+ years. She was also by best friend.

I loved her dearly...and losing her has been a TERRIBLE loss.

I'm going to miss you sweetheart. You will always be my baby with the pretty eyes.

since we agreed to not call it simply "goodbye" and instead said it would be "goodbye for now" then I will say that....because I will be here waiting for you for as long as it takes.

When someone finds their soul's counterpoint in another, it is not something you simply walk away from and love knows no boundaries. 6 months is NOTHING compared to how I feel about you.

Goodbye for now my darling.

The worst feeling on earth

2011-02-24T02:11:00.005-06:00

Have you ever wanted something SO bad, gotten it for a short time, and then lost it again? Do you remember that feeling of knowing you had the very thing that brought you happiness, and that because of your own fault...lost it?

I do.

You see, I found the most rare thing in this world. I had the very thing about which poets write and singers sing. I had the very thing that makes the world a beautiful place. I had that which makes life worth living.

I also ruined it and threw it away. I comitted the gravest of sins. I squandered TRUE love.

Until I met her, I never knew what love really felt like. I am almost embarassed to admit this, by the way. I am 34 and never knew what love felt like. I remember the moment I knew VERY clearly:

She walked in the door, and suddenly, I could not hear ANYTHING. Everything seemed to almost stop, except for her. She moved very slowly, with the grace of a dancer. Then, slowly, she turned towards me...and smiled. All I could hear was the "woosh woosh" sound of the blood flowing through my ears. She smiled, and my heart started to hurt. I felt it POUNDING in my chest...I thought I was dying. Honestly. It was SO scary...I almost fainted.

It took me a few minutes to realize it...but what just happened is that often spoken about moment when people say "the world stood still". I was 32. I had just realized what it feels like when one suddenly becomes aware of the fact that he TRULY loves that woman. When he first realizes "Oh....my GOD. She's the one."

I felt that way every single time I saw her for more than two years. Sure, I got used to it, and after a while, it no longer frightened me to that degree, but I never allowed myself to ignore it. It was the most beautiful feeling in the world.

Now that she is gone, through no fault except my own, I cannot find words to describe the pain. I hurt equal to the amount I loved her. Her love allowed me to carry on, and without it, I find it hard to find the will to continue.

I am absolutely convinced, and every cell in my body, and every part of my soul is SCREAMING that she is the one I was meant to be with for the rest of my life. I honestly, TRULY believe she is the woman I was born to fall in love with.

How can I say this? Because I know. There is NO mistaking it. Trust me when I say that when it happens to YOU, you will remember what I have just said and recognize it.

NOW, however, hopefully unlike YOU, I am forced to face a life without the woman I feel God built me to be with. How am I supposed to face a life without her? For the rest of my life, everyone will be compared to her...how can I do this?

It's like being handed a block of brass after you held gold, and being told that you have to convince yourself they are the same thing despite the fact that you know they are not.

She said "In about six months, why not call me and ask me to meet you for a glass of wine?" THAT'S it. Right? Right God? Was that it? Was this my saving grace?

Was that the opportunity in the darkness? Was this the chance to back away, let her heal, and find the love that I feel was meant to be? Am I just setting myself up for another round of heartbreak?

Who cares. Can't be any worse than what I am going through now. If the chance to find love again exists, everyone who knows me also knows...I'm going to take it.

Consequences be damned. THAT woman is the one I'm supposed to be with. If it kills me, so help me God, I will not give up hope.

Ironically, even as I type these strong brave words, my soul is dust on the floor about my ankles.

I will forever be different after this.

I love you, sweetheart. I pray every night that God will bring us back together again. Not for ME...for US.

How much time?

2011-02-22T22:16:00.002-06:00

Here I am. Three weeks and one day later. The pain I have in my heart does NOT seem to be getting any easier. It is getting worse.

Each day that goes by, my pain gets worse. Having to face a life without the person I TRULY believe I was meant to be with is...there is no word for it.

I have NO idea how I am going to carry on. I have NO idea how I am going to face a life that will be empty and alone.

She has asked me to let her go and move on. She says she wants me to get on with my life and be happy. Happy? HAPPY?

How can I be happy when my heart is torn in two? How can I be happy when my soul feels hollow and empty? How can I simply "move on"?

I can't.

No one in my entire life made me feel the way she did. How in God's name am I supposed to forget that...and also forget I can't be with her?

Does anyone know what it feels like to be REALLY in love with someone, and face knowing that no matter what...you will NEVER be with them?

How are you supposed to recover? do you ever recover?

I have NEVER cried so long or so hard before....my eyes are literally bloodshot from crying so hard...looks like someone punched me in the eye because I popped some of the blood vessels in the whites of my eyes from crying so hard.

I would do just about anything to make this stop. God...how much longer can I hold on? How long will I be forced to suffer on...how many years will you force me to be here in agony?

You made us in your image...and designed us to find our companion and fall in love. WTF were you thinking?!

Did you not realize how much it would hurt us? Did you NOT realize there are those of us who can NOT handle one heartbreak after another? CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT THIS IS LITERALLY KILLING ME?!

I have heard it is possible to die of a broken heart. While suicide is NOT an option for me, I DO admit to praying for an end to the pain.

I have suffered my entire life. My ENTIRE life, God, you have made me suffer. Just when I thought it was over...you TRICKED me into letting me believe my suffering was finished, and I had found the person who held the other half of my heart...you took it away from me. Again.

You allowed me to fall in love with this woman...she showed me what love is REALLY like. She showed me how wonderful being with another person could be. SHE GAVE ME HOPE!

Now, she is gone. Forever.

And I have to sit here. Empty and dark. The only thing I can feel...is pain. A pain unlike any pain I have ever felt before. I cannot breathe. I can not eat. I can not sleep.

It is only getting worse. I have not eaten in three weeks. I sleep fitfully for a couple of hours a night. I WANT to sleep more, because at least I wouldn't be awake to feel the hurt.

But i'm awake for 20+ hours every day...every single one of then in agony.

Please God...if you can expect ME to let go of HER....then I can expect YOU to let go of ME, too.

Otherwise, you know exactly how I feel...the difference is, I cannot take myself from you like she has done from me. Imagine...for ONE second God...that you were ME. Right here, right now...that you were me. Feel my pain as your own. Feel how much I have been made to suffer in my life...how much emotional pain I have endured and survived.

Now, realize it is torture to do this to someone...and let me go.

What happened to YOU?!

2011-02-20T21:49:00.002-06:00

As soon as I walked in the door to work this morning, I was met with a thousand questions from the ladies here at work.

Basically, they all wanted to know what the hell was wrong with me.

One of the supervisors here, who had met my "ladyfriend" said that she could tell something terrible had happened right off the bat.

She said "Maybe its the psych nurse in me coming out or something, but everything about you is different now. Your body language is completely different, you don't talk to anyone anymore, and your face is getting really thin. Nothing happened with you and (her) did it? I really like her. I saw your face when she pulled up that day...you had this look in your eyes and I knew right away that you thought she was "the one". So...you okay?"

It was all I could do to look at her and say "no."

So she asked me to follow her to her office, which I did.

when I got there, she said "Everyone's talking about what's wrong with you these past two weekends, and everyone is worried about you. You've lost all kinds of weight, your eyes look sunken in and its plain that you've lost a good 20 pounds. You and she broke up or something?"

I looked at her and just said "Yeah. Well...she broke up with me. I screwed up big time, and I've just lost the most wonderful woman I've ever been with."

she replied "I saw how you two looked at each other. I've seen that look before. There's no mistaking REAL love when you see it...and you two were REALLY in love. You'll see...it's not over yet. That woman loved you, trust me, I'm a woman...I know."

To which I replied "No...I dont think so. Not this time. I was terrible...without really meaning to be, which is the worst part of the whole thing."

She said "So, you mean to tell me that you HONESTLY, TRULY thought she was the one you were meant to be with?"

I said "yeah. I did, and I still do."

She said "Well, I dont think she's done yet. I'm telling you, as a woman, that she loved you with all her heart. She's not done. She CANT be. Not if she really loved you THAT much she isn't. That's something that only happens to most people once in a lifetime, and I saw how she looked at you...she had that sparkle in her eyes that proves she wanted to be with you forever."

I replied "Yeah, well...not anymore. The worst part is that I'll heal and move on and so will she. The only differnce is that I'll be without the person I feel I was supposed to be with, but I know I cant make her feel the same way, and at this point, I HAVE to accept that I'm the only one of the two of us that feels this way anymore."

She said "Yeah, that sparkle in YOUR eyes is gone...I knew right away what happened because you're always happy and telling jokes and talking about her all the time. Then all of a sudden, its like your eyes look dull, and its SO plain your heart is broken."

As I was walking out the room, the only reply I could manage was this: "When she left, she took a piece of me with her that I won't ever get back without her. Frankly, i dont WANT it back. I'd rather she kept it to remember me by anyhow...but it impossible to completely get over losing a piece of your own soul. She had my heart, and I had hers. The difference is I didnt take care of hers as well as I should have, so she took her heart back from me...and mine went along with it where it belongs."

Personality test results

2011-02-17T03:21:00.002-06:00

What Decade Fits Your Personality Best?
My Result: 1940's
You are the ultimate romantic at heart. You put a high priority on true love, patriotism, and dedication to honor and duty. Whether it be serving your country or serving your family, you have a very hard work-ethic balanced out by your whimsical, dreamy he...art. You are willing to take risks, go where no one has gone before, and you have a sense of pride in everything you do. Just as you are in touch with your inner beauty, you also give just the right amount of focus on your outer beauty-- standing out with the latest fashions and getting in touch with your sensual side. Your sexiness is not scandalous but rather classy and poised. You are the envy of those around you because no matter how much tough work you have to do, you keep a smile and look good while doing it.

What color is your soul?
You are purple, you are a helpless romantic and very loving. You know how to make your love VERY happy. Though you can be to gushy and nobody likes a person who is to lovey dovey so tone it down just a tad.

Which book of the Bible are you?
My Result: Ecclesiastes
You're a hardheaded realist burned once too often by the flaws of others and the emptiness of what society calls "success." Your wisdom comes from the school of hard knocks, which makes you a great advisor. You can't stand fake sunniness and social climbing; you're true, even if you're a little blue. Your eyes are clear, so without denying the reality of evil, make sure you also look at the goodness that's taking place around you.

What kind of mask do you wear?
My Result: Beauty
Your mask is Beauty. You are beautiful inside and out. You aren't too aware of your beauty, although all the people around you are. There are times when you feel like you're wearing a mask, but no one around you can notice the difference with or without it. You may feel vulnerable at times, but you usually get through it. You sometimes wish you had someone to help you through those tough times, but you are always hopeful and don't give up easily. People who first meet you notice your beauty at a glance, but most people notice it when they get to really know you.

Hmm....I notice a pattern here.

Maybe I'm not as bad of a guy as I thought I was....

More quotes that apply to my current situation:

2011-02-17T00:54:00.002-06:00

“Don't ever give up on something or someone that you can't go a full day without thinking about.”

“The greatest pain that comes from love is loving someone you can never have.”

“I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person, love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you.”

“If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were.”

“Tears are words the heart can't express”

“Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you I had no control over.”

“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”

Online conversation I witnessed

2011-02-15T08:32:00.001-06:00

A) The only real whiff of it I got was the statement that women will be expected to dance around the fears and insecurities of their husbands.

Overall, though, I thought the column was exceptionally fair.

B) I don't think that was necessarily a dig so much as one of the basic jobs of a spouse. Man or woman, an inability or refusal to deal with your husband's/wife's insecurities with sympathy and skill will eventually lead to bitterness.

A) Yeah, I was kind of on the fence about it. Every person has fears, and if you love someone, you should help him or her deal with them; on the other hand, I've had at least one ex openly mock my "insecurity."

Some of my favorite quotes about love from my collection of quotes:

2011-02-14T22:54:00.002-06:00

A baby is born with a need to be loved - and never outgrows it.
Frank A. Clark

A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave.
Mahatma Gandhi

A very small degree of hope is sufficient to cause the birth of love.
Stendhal (Henri Beyle)

I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love.
Mother Teresa

People who are sensible about love are incapable of it.
Douglas Yates

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
Albert Einstein

The course of true love never did run smooth.
William Shakespeare

The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread.
Mother Teresa

...

2011-02-12T14:35:00.000-06:00

“For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.”

Judy Garland

Im NOT going to say goodbye forever

2011-02-11T03:22:00.004-06:00

Saying goodbye isnt the hard part, its what is left behind that's tough.

Goodbyes make you think. They make you realize what you've had, what you've lost, and what you've taken for granted.

This is where I am right now.

But I realize that sometimes you have to let go of someone in order to see if there's anything there to hold on to.

But I dont want to wake up and realize what I've been dreaming was right infront of my closed eyes. I don't want to stop saying hellos out of fear of having to say good-byes.

I realize im healing...but I also realize i dont WANT to forget her. I dont WANT to let go of all the things that she was to me. I dont WANT to have *just* a memory of her and her beautiful eyes and smile. I dont want to *just* have a memory of how her voice was so soothing and kind. I dont want to have to listen to the voicemails I saved of her saying "I love you so much Matt, you are a good man" just to hear her voice again.

I loved her for all the things she was and was not. I don't want those things to exist only in my memory, only to get foggy with time.

I dont want to have just memories of all the good times we shared, and we shared a LOT of good times.

I dont want to let go of all the things about her I admired and loved. I dont WANT to let go God damnit! She was SPECIAL! She was different...WE were different! It wasn't supposed to end this way! Not like this. Not for a very long time to come.

It's not the bad thoughts that sting, its the good memories that hurt the most.

I pray it is "goodbye for now".

One Last Cry

2011-02-11T03:01:00.002-06:00

I will never forget you sweetheart....I will never stop loving you.

You were my everything...everything soft and warm and safe. You were everything good and kind and light. You were everything worth fighting for. You were everything I ever wanted and dreamed of.

I only hope there is a chance for us sometime in the future...

I will not stop working until the work is done...and I hope you are there and willing to give it one last try....I VOW I will become who I promised you I really am.

I would do ANYTHING for love.

2011-02-11T02:29:00.003-06:00

Exactly how I feel....

So what is "THAT"?

According to the song, what I won't do is:
-forget the way you make me feel
-forgive myself if we don't make it all the way
-do it better than I do it with you, so long
-stop dreaming of you every night of my life

I've lost my baby...and I'd do ANYTHING to have her love again.

Took an accredited relationship test

2011-02-10T04:25:00.005-06:00

I took a rather involved (2 hour-long) accredited relationship test, and the results were suprising on some levels, not so much on others, here are some of my results:

Interdependence
Interdependence refers to how much you need dependency or a “couple identity” with your partner. You are highly interdependent in relationships. This means that you desire – and perhaps even demand – a substantial degree of physical and emotional connection with a partner and other loved ones. Those connections and interactions can be frequent and superficial or they can be deep and meaningful. And you are probably attracted quickly to someone who you can deeply respect and even emulate to a degree. In fact, it is typical for a person in this score range to consider how a particular romantic partner might reflect on his/her own family and friends. All of this does not mean that you do not need personal space now and then; nearly everyone values being unique and different from others in some respects. However, people in this range draw considerable strength, comfort and sense of identity from close relationships. You like to know about virtually all aspects of your partner’s life. Thus, when you feel close to someone this person becomes an extremely important part of who you are on the inside and outside. You probably prefer that you and your partner’s recreational activities be shared together since you like having your partner physically close and desire showing off your “couplehood” in public.

Attitudes toward love

Attitudes Toward Love refers to your level of needs for romantic love and friendship love. There are two main types of love – Romantic Love and Companionate Love. Romantic Love is passionate, emotional and intense, whereas Companionate Love is a deep, affectionate attachment. People feel these two types of loves to different degrees in a relationship, and the levels of each can fluctuate over time. You scored as someone who may be best described as “a “hopeless romantic on the inside and a realist on the outside.” This means that you value very highly both the safety, security and comfort of Companionate Love and the excitement and passion of Romantic Love. You desire someone who is on the same wavelength as you –sharing similar attitudes, moods and impulses. You are a clearly a hybrid, and someone who probably views love as a transcendent thing. That is, you regard true love as a precious and rare state that must be nurtured to grow and thrive. Most people in this scoring range believe that a passionate sex life is not the most important factor in a stable and satisfying relationship. Rather, a relationship must be nurtured with acceptance and compete connectedness with a partner – a couple building and possessively protecting their “own world.”

Sexuality

People at your scoring level have a firm sense of their sexual orientation, preferred sexual activities and comfort level. You like sex that is romantic, adventurous and fun, but for you sex is not a casual event. Sex has great importance in your relationship, and it is reserved for someone you love.

Intimacy

Intimacy refers to the how much you need emotional closeness with your partner. You are clearly comfortable with giving and receiving emotional intimacy. You long for emotional closeness and security with a special person, and you tend to be open with a partner in return. That openness includes lessons learned from your past experiences and relationships, extending trust, believing your partner returns your feelings and devotion and being generally comfortable with surrendering yourself to a partner. In fact, you probably would feel uncomfortable if there were serious secrets between you and your partner. Likewise, you probably regard a partner as your best friend and your foremost confidant. There is likely no hesitation discussing current problems or concerns with that person. It also seems that you have realistic expectations for a committed relationship. However, you may find yourself wondering whether your partner’s feelings are equally as strong as yours. Still, people in this scoring range are willing to take the risks associated with being vulnerable on many levels. Bottom line: you need someone who desires and reciprocates intimacy as much as you do.

Relationship readiness

Relationship Readiness refers to how prepared you are emotionally, psychologically and pragmatically for a committed relationship. In some ways, you may not be fully ready for a committed relationship. You seem to feel a fair degree of comfort and grounding in your life right now. In fact, most people in this range have a clear vision and a sense of purpose for their life. They also feel in control, but sometimes that sense of control can be fleeting or a false sense of security. For example, it is often the case that people in this scoring range need to address unresolved issues that can interfere with them having the life and relationship they want. These could be financial or legal issues or even physical, emotional or health issues.

Communication

Communication refers to your approach to interpersonal interactions and level of emotional intelligence. Effective communicators have strong emotional intelligence, and you have the necessary foundation for strong emotional intelligence. People in this scoring range enjoy the learning opportunities of most challenges and are not afraid of making or admitting to mistakes. It is brave to show this level of vulnerability to others. Therefore, it is not surprising that you are sensitive to and accepting of other people’s expressions of vulnerability. For example, you can likely sense when someone feels troubled before being told. However, your sensitivity has limits. Most in this scoring range are neither comfortable nor patient with all expressions of emotion. They also are not keenly aware of all of the types of nonverbal signs that people send out nor are they always cognizant of how their own behavior impacts others.

Conflict resolution

Conflict Resolution refers to your stress management and problem solving skills. Effective conflict resolution has nine general elements: View Conflict as Positive; Address Conflict in the Proper Atmosphere; Clarify Perceptions; Note Needs, not wants; Draw on the Power of a Positive Partnership; Focus on the Future, then learn from the past; Identify Options for Mutual Gain; Develop ‘Doables’ or stepping stones to action; and Make Mutually-Beneficial Agreements. Your score indicates that you are fairly strong on all of these basic elements, except for Making Mutually-Beneficial Agreements. This suggests that you are very flexible and action-oriented when addressing problems, yet not so eager to find resolution that you settle for quick, temporary agreements. Settling on a temporary agreement is often a way of avoiding conflict, and it can lead to needs not being met. You do not seem to avoid conflict; instead you appear to evaluate the possible solutions and then actively engage your partner to work on a positive outcome for the relationship.

There was lot more, but these are the most intersting results. It was a good test that confirmed some things about me, and told me a lot about myself on a few levels. It also showed me some areas that I would like to improve upon. Its a good litmus test for where I stand in my work, and is PROOF I have come a VERY long way in the last couple of years. However, there is ONE more bit of work that I must attend to....

Act of Contrition for my sins

2011-02-09T21:21:00.005-06:00

This is my Act of Contrition, defined as a Catholic prayer that expresses sorrow for sins.

As a Catholic, I have been taught that a confession means nothing unless the person knows you are humble and contrite.

The sins I am confessing are to the woman I called my darling, my sweetheart, and my love.

I forced you to forsake your own happiness for my own, and that was wrong. I caused you to forsake your friends, and your loved ones for my own insecurities. I belittled you and made you feel shamed for doing what you thought was right. I put my own unreasonable demands before your happiness. I made you feel unloved.

Making you feel unloved is what I am feeling the most sorrow for, because it goes against the very belief I had that God brought us together. It encompasses many things. My very life should have been devoted to fostering the love we shared. I truly believe it is a sin to squander love, and I have clearly sinned in this regard. Therefore, here is my Act of Contrition for the sins I have comitted against God and my ex-girlfriend:

Oh My God, I am sorry, very sorry for all my sins.
because they are despising oh lord.
I firmly intend, with the help of your son,
to make up for my sins and to love as I should.
Amen.

To forsake or abandon love, to take it for granted and abuse it, is a sin. A sin I have been guilty of before. I make a comittment to God and to everyone I know to do my best to never commit that sin again. Should I have a chance to try again, I VOW to not make these same mistakes again, so help me God.

The way things were

2011-02-09T17:50:00.002-06:00

This song depicts exactly what I DONT want to happen. I can NOT live my life wondering what could have been, and what SHOULD have been, if I only could have been stronger....if only I could have been different.

I will continue to work until it is complete. I hope we can meet again once I am done and start over again....this time from a place where she knows I can show her the patience she deserves, and the love for her that burns inside of me still.

I love you.

To my sweetheart:

2011-02-08T22:12:00.004-06:00

I miss you baby....please come back to me, I will be waiting for you with open arms.

Ive cried day and night since I lost my companion and my best friend. I would give it all to hold you in my arms again. The way you would put your arms around me and smile as you said "I love you so much"...you made me feel safe when nothing else did. To know that you are gone is almost more than I can bear. I am empty without you.

For the rest of my life, I will regret losing you.

A million years can pass and I will still be here, in this life or the next I will be there waiting for you.

Please...please come back to me someday....this is my prayer.

I am so sorry for what I made you have to do. I know it hurt you as much as it hurt me. Please...do not let this be the end forever. I believe in my heart God brought us together for a reason, and it should not end this way.

I am sorry for your pain. I would gladly take your pain as my own if God wills it. Please, let this be "goodbye for now" instead of "goodbye."

I truly believe we have many happy years to come. I will not stop working, and when I am finished, I pray to God above that you are open to trying again. You were my light and my heart. You had, and still have, my love.

Please remember me while we are apart. Do not forsake or abandon me. I opened my heart to you and you did the same for me. We had something VERY special...something that only comes along once in a lifetime.

I will be working. I will be patient. I will be yours forever.

Heartbroken

2011-02-08T01:17:00.004-06:00

Tonight, at 9:57pm, my girlfriend of just over 2 years called and broke up with me.

She gave me her reasons, which is more than most people get, and I understand them all.

I have worked tremendously hard over the past 4 years in order to change back into the person I once was, and the person I wanted to be. She was a large part of my motivation to work so hard.

I love her tremendously, and had even thought she was the woman I would be married to someday. As others of you with bipolar disorder know, that is a HUGE deal to make yourself vulnerable enough to give your heart to someone.

Heartbroken doesn't quite describe what I am. I simply cannot handle having my heart broken a second time. As many of you that subscribe to my blog know, I was absolutely crushed when my marriage fell apart. This is worse.

Why? Because when my marriage fell apart, I had convinced myself that I would just be alone for the rest of my life. I had protected myself from having my heart broken and had finally gotten to a place where I was okay. I was wounded, but okay.

Just at the point when I has started to believe the old bipolar mantra would not apply to me, and that I had a REAL chance to stay happy for the rest of my life, the ONE thing I really feared losing....is lost.

Everyone with this evil disease will say "We know exactly what you are talking about." when I say the following: The overwhelming feeling I have is guilt. Guilt for hurting the woman I love so much she had no other choice but to leave me. I know it was hard for her because she knew she would hurt me tremendously to do what she did...but I left her no choice.

I had a patient, in his mid-50's tell me something a few weeks ago when we were talking. I was asking him if he was married, and he said this in reply: "Look, I've been married three times. I've come to learn that the old saying is true, so I dont even bother anymore. Im not happy being alone, but its better than spending the rest of your life having your heart broken over and over again. They say that if you have bipolar disorder, the most common words you will have to say is 'im sorry'. That's a LIE! The most common word you will have to say is 'Goodbye', and Im not willing to hear that anymore."

It's the absolute truth. The old saying is this "If you have bipolar disorder, at one point or another, you will have to watch every single person you fall in love with walk out the door and not come back."

I thought I was different. I though I could be different. I thought WE were different. I thought I had found the woman that would stand by me no matter what because she would be able to see that I was worth it, and that I would be better in the end, if she was able to be patient enough to stick it out until I was finished with the work I had to do in order to be the man I want to be.

JUST at the point where my therapy was coming to a close (my doctor said that I have approximately 2 months left), this happened. I guess the cumulative effect of the damage I had done finally became too much for her, and I understand.

For now, my plan is to continue with my therapy and my work once i regain stability. The curse of bipolar has been proven to be true yet again. However, I will NOT stop working.

Im almost ashamed to admit it, but Im hoping and praying that this isn't the end. That when she and I meet again, I will be finished with my work, and we can try again.

I dont know if I am setting myself up for prolonged heartache or not, but I have to do what I have to do...and what I have to do is not give up and keep working.

Right now, I can not stop crying. My soul is dark. Without her, the sunshine just will not be as warm or bright.

If we don't meet again, she will always be the woman I will miss the most. I will NEVER forget her...and I will NEVER fall out of love with her.

Why does society disapprove of being masculine?

2011-02-01T00:23:00.002-06:00

This is not going to be a well thought-out post, but I will make the comittment to follow up with more evidence-based information. This first installment will be based purely upon my own personal feelings and opinions and observations.

It used to be that being masculine wasn't looked down upon. Men were MEN. Now the social climate has changed. We are in danger of becoming ashamed of masculinity. And I think that’s a problem.

Before I get swamped by a torrent of feminist outrage, let me state that of course it’s great that many women have more career opportunities and that there is still a long way to go. The drive towards masculinity is NOT an attack on femininity, but part of this drive toward equality has included a backhanded denial of the fact that there are real differences between the sexes. Women are not men and men are not women.

Men have much higher levels of testosterone flowing through our bloodstream, making us more naturally suited to risk taking, competitiveness, and physical activity. Physiologically speaking, our bones are harder, our muscles are more dense, our reflexes are faster, etc. To deny masculine traits is to deny our very birthright. Men are BORN to be MEN damnit.

A man can be caring and nurturing, but not at the expense of his manliness. Typical masculine traits include the following:

•Decisiveness, assertiveness, leadership, strength of mind and body, stamina, nobility, determination, being protective of others. Of course, these can apply to either sex, but are more traditionally masculine traits.

There has been a vilification of masculinity in society lately. I refuse to apologize for having a male perspective or so-called ‘manly interests’.

The ‘new man’, according to society, is supposed to be sensitive, caring, nurturing, and ‘in touch with his feelings’. These are all attributes traditionally associated with being a woman. But men and women process emotions differently. Hell, speaking on a personal level, I am willing to admit that emotionally, I am more feminine than masculine, but this does not mean that I do not THINK like a man, or that I don't process my emotions like a man...or at least MOSTLY like a typical man.

Knowing how to treat a woman with respect without allowing yourself to be manipulated or pushed around by them is also a mark of a man. Humiliating or debasing women isn’t being manly, its being an asshole. Be protective, open doors, compliment, be honest, and treat her like a lady. Respect her opinions, but don't let her scold you into thinking you have to change your opinions. Stick to your guns. Again, its not wrong to have a masculine point of view anymore than its wrong to have a feminine point of view.

Show respect to people who treat you with honor and stand up to those who don’t. Have the courage to fight for justice and what is right. A manly man knows he’s responsible for defending others, no matter the personal cost.

Have your moral code, and stick to it. A REAL man compromises his morals for no one, for no reason. Personally, my moral code is about as simple as it gets: Always try to do the right thing, even if its the hardest thing to do at the time. This means I will do what I think is right, consequences be damned. I will go to GREAT lengths to do the right thing, and if I have to suffer the consequences of my decision, so be it. I am willing to accept that.

Remember this: It is NOT wrong to expect to be treated like a MAN. Is it wrong for women to expect to be treated like a lady? No? Then treat me like the gentleman I am too.

Here is where I will divulge from the stereotype, and cross over to the other side because I think these things are EQUALLY important:

1. Be emotionally available to your woman. Stonewalling when your wife or girlfriend needs you to be there for her emotionally isn't supportive or right. It is your DUTY to be there for her, and be there the way she needs you to be.

2. Traditional roles are out the window. No wife of mine will spend her days at the stove or washing machine. We will share those tasks. I want a partner, not another mommy. Being a man means knowing how to run a home, and this includes knowing how to use the washing machine and how to cook dinner. You aren't a good provider if you can't even provide yourself with your own clean clothes. Learning how to perform domestic tasks is NOT emasculating...it means you can take care of your home and your woman. It is a man's DUTY.

3. Attend to your responsibilities damn it. If you have a kid and are unmarried, TAKE CARE OF YOUR KIDS. Its definitively UN-manly to have kids by multiple different women and not take care of any of them. Do your fucking JOB and raise your own children the way a father should. Don't want to take an active role in raising your children? Well, first of all...fuck you...you are making ALL men look bad because you are a piece of shit. Second, at LEAST meet (or preferably exceed..by a LARGE margin) your child support obligations to their mother. If you arent going to be a man and raise your own kids, you can at least pay their mother to do the job for you. I HATE men that act like pussies when it comes to taking responsiblity for raising the children they have.

4. It is NOT manly to sleep with multiple women. Being a man, i have heard all manners of disgusting, degrading comments from other males (they arent worthy of being called men) about women. Some of them were SO offensive, it made me want to instantly beat the shit out of them. It is NOT okay to degrade women. Its disgusting. Using women for sex is inhumane, and if you see nothing wrong with tricking or manipulating a woman into having sex with you when you have no intentions of actually being with her, then you are trash.

I'm now exhausted, so I will end this part of the series here, as I am having trouble thinking due to my extreme fatigue. Hope you enjoy the read, and understand the point of this post. Again, this is NOT about lowering women...it is about RAISING men.

Dating an Older Woman

2011-01-21T00:48:00.004-06:00

Although my current girlfriend finds the term offensive (and I also find it a tad derrogatory), I guess by technical terms, I am dating a cougar.

I wont go into specifics, but she is an absolutely WONDERFUL woman. She has many amazing qualities, and frankly, her age is never a concern of mine, nor do I give it much thought. The only time I actually DID give any thought at all now that I think of it, was at the very beginning of our relationship.

She epitomizes the definition of a real LADY. This is something that is frankly lacking in many younger women, and is something I find HIGHLY attractive. She is extremely smart (probably the smartest woman I have ever met, with a master's degree in one field, and a bachelors in another), funny (and I LOVE her laugh), and has one of the kindest hearts I have ever known.

Physically, she is as close to my idea of an ideal woman as one could hope for, but this is only a small portion of the reason I am so attracted to her.

Primarily, I am attracted to her for who and what she is: just a flat-out outstanding woman in every sense of the word.

I have to admit, its rather exciting to be dating an actual lady for once, and I would be remiss if I didnt mention that the mere sight of her elicits butterflies in my stomach.

Dating her has been a unique experience, and I have grown as a person, as a man, and spiritually because of her. It is *so* nice to be dating a confident woman who has some experience under her belt. Enough to realize she doesnt have all the answers, but also enough to realize that she is an intelligent, attractive lady worthy of being treated as such. Her confidence is VERY sexy, and trust me, she has NOTHING to worry about.

All that being said, I stumbled across a video on the internet that I found both funny, AND descriptive. Its a really good representation of why I actually prefer older women. It also lists a few pet peeves of mine in regards to a relationship, and the lady in the video pretty much nails the reasons why those things really get under my skin. All-in-all, its a great video.

Cougar Do's and Dont's

Most of these videos can be found at this YouTube page:
http://www.youtube.com/user/CougarChannel

Christmas Spirit...or lack thereof

2010-12-25T10:21:00.001-06:00

Its awfully hard to catch the Christmas spirit bug when you have to work a 16-hour shift on Christmas day...and again the day after....then go to some pointless 8-hour-long class for work on Monday.

America has become a nation of workaholics. Not by choice in most cases however.

Its a myth that living in a capitalist society benefits us all. How many of you are forced to work "family holidays" while your boss sits at home sipping Scotch and enjoying the fireplace?

In this regard, I think Europe has it right. Some days should be just that...family holidays. We work our collective asses off and neglect our own lives and families just to pay the bills while the rest of the world enjoys being home.

Being the laughingstock of the entire globe doesnt seem to matter to us though..we are still blinded by the myth that we are the most important country on the planet. Apparently being the most important also means we cant allow our citizens to take a break and enjoy our lives every now and then.

While Im just as guilty as the next person, Im more aware of it. I have bills to pay and taxes to hand over...so I show up to work on Christmas morning like the good little subservient worker bee that I am. Sure im going to be paid time and a half....but I would gladly give that up for the chance to be with MY family for Christmas.

I havent spent a Christmas at home in 5 years. I think I am due my turn to sip Bourbon and enjoy the warm fire. Next year, it will be my time to enjoy MY family. I think Ive earned it.

Capitalism supposedly rewards those willing to work hard. Ive been doing so for many years now...time for me to share in the profit for once...instead of making it for someone else.

The profit motive? Bah humbug!

Staying Awake

2010-11-27T20:10:00.000-06:00

It really bugs me that I will be so dead tired at work that I can barely keep my eyes open, barely make the 20min drive home, then as soon as I walk through my front door, Im wide awake.

I work 16 hour shifts back-to-back which means that if all I did was drive home, shower, and fall asleep immediately, I would get at most 7 hours of sleep. It never happens that way though.

I hit the door, shower, then lay down in a futile attempt to fall asleep, only to find myself staring at the clock at 130am when I have to get up for work at 5am. Needless to say, I spend the entire day once again struggling to fight fatigue, then come home and do it again....wide awake as soon as I hit the door.

It seems I just cannot fall when I am moderately tired...I have to be so tired I physically cannot stay awake one minute longer in order to fall asleep.

I have read and entire Halo novel and a quarter of the way thru the next before waking up with the book literally on my face.

I dont know what the issue is, but most people dont seem to have to be 100% out of energy before they can sleep....which means I am NEVER totally rested. Kinda sucks.

Point ----->Counterpoint

2010-11-21T18:48:00.004-06:00

Yes yes...I have gotten the screencapture emails of what my ex wrote on her "bodybuilding" blog. Thanks (not really....but hey)

Typically, I dont care much what she says about me because, well, Im over her and dont really care about her opinion of me. However, as it was pointed out to me, she continues to spew the same mis-information over and over again, so Ill take this ONE opportunity to set the record straight.

In her blog, she states "...because he had quit his job and was spending all the money I made on himself while I was at work."

She is right. I DID quit my job. But she leaves out a very important detail: she ENCOURAGED me to quit. Thats right....she encouraged it. Why? Because I quit in order to go to nursing school....yet another detail she leaves out all the time.

She makes it seem like I was just a lazy bum who sat around the house all day and didnt work.

The TRUTH is this:

We both were in dead-end jobs, and I worked in retail management for a company I knew was about to be bought out, and they were going to close my store, which meant I was about to be laid off. We had a new baby, and something...SOMETHING had to change.

I knew that if I was going to provide for my family, I needed to get back to school and finish what I started. I wasnt about to bounce around from one menial job to another when I had a new baby and a wife to provide for.

I told my ex about my plan to go back to nursing school, and TOLD her it would be impossible for me to have a full-time job and go to clinicals for 8-10 hours a day 5 days a week....but that when it was over, I would have a career we could depend on for a steady income, and then Id be more than happy to work while she went back to school....again.

Why me first? Because it only took me 2 years as opposed to her taking 4, and it made better sense to suffer for half the time until I was out and working.

So, 3 months before I graduated with my degree, she left....walked out and told me she wanted a divorce. She used the fact I wasnt working as part of her excuse for leaving, even though I reminded her she AGREED to the plan that would cause short-term hardship in return for long-term financial security for our family.

Obviously, we had to borrow money because I wasnt working. She KNEW it was going to be hard. We even had the "it is going to be VERY hard for awhile, but it will be MUCH better for us after" conversation...to which she AGREED. And yeah...I spent money on myself. Uniforms arent free..and neither are books or notebooks or stethescopes or gloves or pens or gas to get to clinicls and school or food to eat while I was there or testing fees or clinical fees, etc etc. Then we occasionally would do stuff together...that also would cost money. It wasnt a one-way street. Gas gets expensive when you drive to Mississippi two and three times a week to cheat on your husband, too.

Later, I would find out she had been taking money from OUR account and using it to buy new stuff for the apartment she rented.

I did what I did to bring security and more income to the family we made. She just couldnt be patient long enough for OUR decision to pay off. She left in the middle of m FINAL semester. I was on the job the NEXT day after getting my license in the mail.

However, something else she also leaves out..was the fact that during this entire time I was in school to better our family, she was taking trips to Mississippi behind my back, telling me she was going to visit one of her female friends, when in fact, she was meeting a co-worker. She also ran up MASSIVE cellphone bills calling him all the time...then tried to blame ME when our FAMILY PLAN would be over minutes by...oh...500-1000 minutes a month, and we were constantly popped with $350 phone bills.. She was also having sexually explicit conversations with men where she worked, and even meeting them for lunch "dates". A month after she left, I was waiting to get our son when she rides up on the back of a motorcycle...driven by the guy she had been "seeing" in Mississippi. She gave me some lameass story about him just being a friend who happened to be in town...until I told her I knew who he was, and even knew his name and address. So basically, all this b.s. about me not working is just that....a bullshit excuse. She did more than her share of nefarious deeds herself.

A thinly-veiled excuse to assuage her guilt and make me into the bad guy. Oh, Ive OPENLY admitted my wrongdoings. I have NEVER said I didnt wrong her...severely. Thats the mian difference between us. I have owned up to my failings and the wrongs I committed. Hell...Ive written about them on this very blog.

She, on the other hand, tries to portray herself as an innocent victim...a pure little snowflake that did nothing wrong. Most of the people who have heard her (mostly) bullshit story simply havent had the chance to hear the OTHER side...so they naturally feel sorry for her. Oh, she is VERY good at playing the victim role. Trust me, she inflicted more than her fair share of wounds as well.

Like I said, there is always...ALWAYS more than one side to the story. Ive just been more honest about mine. In fact, since then, Ive been 100% full-disclosure. I tell everything I did...admitting to even the very worst of it. I am hiding NOTHING.

I understand she HAS to keep making me the bad guy to justify what she did in her own mind...but she could at LEAST be honest about it.

NEW! Copenhagen Black RETURNS!

2010-11-09T16:11:00.007-06:00

After MANY years and many thousands of complaints by die-hard dippers, U.S. Smokeless Tobacco has FINALLY listened. Copenhagen Black Bourbon-flavored dip is BACK, although in a slightly different form.

This is the world's very first full review of the new Black Copenhagen bourbon-flavored dip, which was released in select trial markets this afternoon.

For years now, every time I would purchase a can of Copenhagen Whiskey blend, I would lament the fact that Cope Black was discontinued. The owner of the store where I always purchase my Copenhagen evidently listened, because as soon as I walked in, he pointed out the fact that he had the new Black Copenhagen Long Cut.

First, the diferences:
It comes in an all-black plastic can but it is black and gold instead of black and silver like the old mid-cut Cope Black. It is also long cut instead of mid-cut. The can is tasteful, all black paintjob with gold letters.

I immediately opened the can in the store and took a sniff.....ahhhhh....same exact smell I remember. Slightly sweet, and pungent bourbon. Brings back immediate memories of having a nice dip of that bourbon-flavored Cope sitting in the woods on a crisp winter day. Amazing how a familiar smell can really bring back the good memories...I spent MANY days hunting while enjoying Copehangen Black and I cant wait to do the same with the new Black Coenhagen.

I practically ran to my car in excitement to take a pinch.

It was somewhat more dry than the Copenhagen Whiskey, not TOO dry, but felt MUCH softer than any of the other long cut dips I have tried. As soon as I put it in my mouth, it immedately thought "Yep....THIS is my new favorite dip...again" I cannot say how much I have longed for this dip...congrats to USST for bringing back THE best dip they have ever made.

Same smooth rich flavor as Cope Black, same soft mouthfeel too, despite it being long cut. This is some SERIOUSLY good dip.

I purchased mine at V's Smoker on LA 415 in Port Allen, Louisiana. From what I understand, this is a limited release, and if the new Black Copenhagen has good sales, USST will make it more widely available again.

Bottom Line: MUCH better flavor than Copenhagen Whiskey Blend Long Cut, much softer tobacco that has a much better mouthfeel (in fact, its as soft to the lip as the old mid-cut if not softer), and it has a nice nicotine punch that dippers of the old Copenhagen Black will remember instantly.

THIS is what dip should be like. An INSTANT classic.

So, I give the new Black Copenhagen Long Cut a perfect 10/10. Soft, flavorful, excellent nicotine punch, and the flavor lasts a LONG time. The PERFECT dip.

For comparison, I rated the Copehangen Whiskey Blend a 7/10 for its rough texture, weak flavor, weak nicotine punch, and the fact that the taste did not last long enough.

At long last, the mighty Cope Black has returned in Long Cut form, but everything we knew and loved about the old bourbon-flavored mid cut dip is here.

A MUST BUY for Copenhagen dippers.

Why I like comics

2010-09-19T19:50:00.001-06:00

When I was a kid, I always had a VERY vivid imagination. I would invent machines (okay...strings attatched to my bunkbed) that would pull my clothes to me in the morning using the decorative ends of the bed as a series of pullies that would allow me to use cheap plastic stuff as string. Pretty ingenious for a 7 year-old if I do say so myself.

My imagination eventualy led me into a fantasy world of sorts. I have always loved the comic strip Garfield. I still do...it is my favorite. I would save my alowance and buy the actual books.

I used to read the books, then lay them out and read the strips by the dates....and would imagine that it was real. So near the holidays for example, I would try to recreate whatever Garfield and Jon were doing in the comic strip that day.

I would notice in the comics when everyone started wearing sweaters, and I would wear them too. When they decorated the house for Christmas, I would beg my parents to let me decorate.

There was just something comforting about living vicariously through my favorite comic strip...and trying to make it physical reality. It always made me feel all warm and cozy and calm....like it was perfect.

Even to this day, when I read the comics and they are showing images of the holidays, it makes me feel al happy and warm inside.

Dont get me started about my favorite movie, A Christmas Story. I would try and act that one out too....BB gun and all....except I was a much better shot than Ralphie at 8 years old *wink*

Things I have noticed

2010-09-19T19:10:00.001-06:00

Im not much on being terribly introspective on my blog, so I will not be quite as articulate as I normally would be when speaking on a subject such as this, but here it goes...

I have recently become more aware of my frame of mind. Ive noticed that happiness is less a state of being and more of a concious decision.

It has taken me LOTS (years) woth of work and effort to finally be able to exert even a small amount of control over how I feel. Welcome to bipolar disorder huh?

However, now that I am more capable of doing it, I actually find I am much happier. I can DECIDE to just get happy. Oh sure, it takes a while, but eventualy I am able to pull it together and just allow myself to be free of whatever is pissing me off at the moment.
Sunday nights are especially hard for me. By 10pm on Sunday, I have worked 32 hours out of 48 with only 3-5 hours of sleep between 16-hour shifts. I have noticed that I rapidly lose my ability to modulate my emotional state appropriately the more fatigued I am, and I tend to revert to being rather flat or snappy.

I am aware of this, but honestly, there is very little I can actualy do about it. I have very little mental energy left at this point, and using any more to modulate would simply leave me with less, and that would make it even harder for me to maintain an appropriate demeanor.

One big difference that Ive noticed is that it still takes a great effort on my part to manage my "mental reserves" sometimes. Its a delicate balancing act...and sometimes the scale tips...especially when I am tired.

I try to avoid subjects that may provoke any strong emotions in me at all, because of the nature of how I am, I naturally feel things more intensely than other may feel them, and I simply wont have the energy to scale back my reaction to seem WNL to "normal" people.

How do I compensate? I sleep most of the day on Monday and try my damnedest to replenish my energy reserves.

Still, I understand my happiness is mostly a decision I have made.

In a fight? Want it to end? Make the decision to end it or settle it later.

Negative conversation ruining an otherwise good time? Make the decision to focus instead on good memories and making happy new ones.

You know who you are....the person this post is dedicated to. Here's to many many more years of happy memories :)

Masculism: anti-feminist or pro-equality?

2010-09-07T14:21:00.001-06:00

I came across an article lately that actually made me think.

Not everything has to be totaly equal al the time, but sometimes, there comes a point where things get so lop-sided that something has to be done to bring things back more in line.

My problem with ultra-feminism is that it seeks to feminize everyone, even men. Newsflash: men arent SUPPOSED to be femenine. I even know many gay men who are tired of being told they need to be more like women.

For a better idea of what I am referring to, please take a look at this wikipedia link:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Masculism

Lets face it: I love women. LOVE them. One in particular. No man that I know of really wants a doormat for a wife. No woman that I know of wants a prissy-boy for a husband.

Why can we not just understand that each sex has its distinct role to play?

Im all for equality where these role overlap, but where they do not, there SHOULD be differences. If you are religious, it is clearly God's will that each sex has its own place. If you are not religious, evolution has ensured that men and women have their own unique roles to play.

Again, equality where both sexes are expected to perform the same function, embrace the differences where they are not.

Quotes by Marilyn Monroe

2010-09-05T17:37:00.000-06:00

Everyone that knows me also knows I collect quotes. I love them. Witty, humorous, wise, I love them all.

Here are a few from the (surprisingly) wise and witty Marilyn Monroe:

"If I'd observed all the rules, I'd never have got anywhere."

"I dont know who invented high heels, but all women owe him a lot!"

"Before marriage a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage she has to hold him to make love to him."

"If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything."

"We should all start to live before we get too old. Fear is stupid. So are regrets."

And my personal favorite:

"I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best"

Indeed. You go girl.

Living with bipolar disorder type 1

2010-05-27T15:55:00.001-06:00

For those of us who are unfortunate enough to live with bipolar disorder, we all know the kind of havok this disorder can cause in our lives. We talk about it in code and metaphor, often calling our disorder "The relationship killer".

The worst part is that most of us who have it are extremely loving people...the kind of people who are extremely sensitive and gentle and kind. The disorder often makes us act in such a way that others cannot see our true nature, or even if they can, the negative behaviors completely outweigh the good. This is the tragedy of being bipolar.

We connect with others very easily. We become quite attatched to those we care about, then spend our time frantically trying to not destroy those relationships...which we inevitably end up doing anyhow. We are capable of VERY deep, soul-melting love...and crushing heartache when that love is taken away from us.

I have been told "Just get over it" and "You are just making this up" and "You need to work on changing how you are". Generally speaking, I react to such comments with sadness and humbleness. Other bipolar patients see these comments as insulting. Would you tell someone with a brain tumor those things? How about a diabetic? Would you tell someone they just need to fix their high blood sugar by working hard in therapy? Would you tell someone with a broken arm that they just need to fix it and get over it? Oh, and TRUST me...I WISH i had made this up, because then I could simply make it go away.

Bipolar disorder is NO LONGER CONSIDERED A MENTAL DISORDER! It is now classified correctly as a medical condition that is biological in origin. Meaning that it is now classified by the medical community the same way cancer or diabetes is.

Bipolar disorder is a disease with physical causes but emotional symptoms. Sort of like when a diabetic's blood sugar drops they may become angry and irritable because their brains do not have adequate glucose to function properly. I bipolar persons, our brains do not have the right balance of chemicals present to function properly...yet we are BLAMED for this as though it is somehow out own fault, or that we should be able to simply "fix" it. Go tell that to someone with breast cancer and see what kind of reaction you get.

Socially, there would be an outcry if someone told a woman with ovarian cancer that she should just get over it or that she is just making it up or that she should simply see a therapist to get over her problem. Yet, we tolerate this bevaior towards those with problem such as biplar disorder. It is high time for a wake up call.

People with bipolar disorder are people too. We love, care, and hurt just like everyone else....if not even more so. So ask yourself...if you were dating or married to someone and they were diagnosed with cancer, would you leave this person simply because they are sick? Now...same story, except substitute bipolar disorder for cancer. What would you do now? Your answer says more about YOU than it does the person with bipolar disorder...trust me.

A site everyone with bipolar or a loved one of someone with bipolar needs to read.

2009-08-12T00:18:00.002-06:00

I found this site tonight, and it is completely worth the time, especially if you are someone married to someone unfortunate enough to be diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I know it's rough, but maybe, just maybe this site will allow you to have mercy enough to not end your otherwise good marriage over bipolar behavior that is NOT the real person.

Click the title of this entry to view the site. It WILL be worth your time.

Bipolar Conference

2009-03-28T17:46:00.005-06:00

I went to a conference on bipolar disorder this past Tuesday put on by a bunch of doctors from Stanford and a few other prestigious hospitals and universities. I learned a few things...some good, some not so good.

I learned that although no one is quite sure what CAUSES bipolar disorder, scientists now DO know what areas of the brain are affected. Notable the prefrontal cortex, which is the part of the brain that allows us to censor our thoughts and control our actions. They did several thousand tests to see what the problem is, and it proved that in nearly 100% of the cases they studied, the prefrontal cortex in an acutely manic person simply does not work. In other words, the affected person simply cannot control himself or herself because it is physically impossible to do so without a functioning prefrontal cortex.

PET scans showed that in a manic person, the prefrontal cortex simply does not work, and it takes 6-10 weeks to function again, which explains why someone who is manic takes 1.5-3 months to appear "normal" again. Again, no one knows why or how the prefrontal lobe stops working, all they know is that it does.

However, they have found several interesting things that can KEEP it functioning. Omega-3's seem to prevent the lights from going out in the prefrontal lobe, as well as certain medications. They also know that the ceasing of function is associated with off-kilter levels of both dopamine and seratonin in the brains of those affected.

In other words, it is now OFFICIALLY known that bipolar disorder is NOT a "mental illness", and will be reclassified in the 2012 DSM-5. It is a MEDICAL problem, not a MENTAL problem.

It is being reclassified due to the overwhelming scientific evidence that proves that it is NOT a behavioral or mental disorder, but that it is a direct result of a part of the brain failing to function properly.

Maybe this will change the way people view those of us with bipolar disorder once and for all. We are NOT "crazy" nor are we just assholes or jerks. We do NOT choose to act this way nor do we like it. We are people just like anyone else, but we have a medical issue that IS manageable once it is properly diagnosed and treated.

One of the most hurtful things that was ever said to me by someone I love was "I didn't think anything was wrong with you, I just though you were an asshole."

Yeah. I was. Not by my own choice though. There's a difference between simply being a spiteful, violent, raging asshole, and being a spiteful violent asshole because your brain misfires.

People with brain tumors often have the exact same problem, yet I don't see anyone rushing to call THEM assholes for what happens to them. People tend to be sympathetic because cancer is causing their brains to work improperly, which causes them to act out or act in a way they do not choose to. Newsflash: The same exact thing happens to people with bipolar disorder.

So, I say to those of you who show no forgiveness to those you know with bipolar disorder: What's the next excuse going to be now that it had been PROVEN to be a medical problem?

No, we are NOT assholes. We are NOT violent people by our nature. We are NOT crazy and we are NOT intentionally going around hurting people we love for God's sake.

Please, I beg every one of you that read this blog...try to understand, even just a little bit. We have the capacity to love just like you do...and it makes us feel horrible for the things we do to those we love that we simply cannot control. As a sidenote, the new statistics say that 37% of bipolar sufferers eventually commit suicide. Why? Because of the tremendous guilt they feel over the pain they cause others when they are manic.

It's so sad that so many hurt to the point they feel they cannot live with themselves over the pain and guilt and remorse they have for having a medical problem. Show a little forgiveness...please. Try to remember...we do NOT mean it, nor can we do anything to help it.

Medications can prevent the recurrence of a manic episode, but they cannot stop a manic episode that is already in progress.

So many lives ruined, so many people sitting in desperate lonliness because they have been shunned for having a disease that is completely treatable. So many lives spent needlessly because someone could not find it in their hearts to forgive or at least be supportive of a loved one in anguish. How much longer are we going to pretend? How much longer are we going to find it acceptable to simply turn our backs and walk away? How much longer are we going to treat thousands of people with a treatable medical problem as though they are human garbage, to be simply tossed out of our lives when they have a problem? How many more tears will be shed because someone's dreams are ruined by the lack of compassion of another?

I have a disease that, at one time, made me unable to control my actions or thoughts. I take my meds, I go to therapy, I have been stable for more than a year and a half. I find all of this better still than being unable to feel compassion for another person, or the inability for forgive, even when it is painfully clear the person's repentance is pure. I find having bipolar disorder is better than not being able to see the PERSON and instead focusing on the actions of someone who is legitimately sick.

Funny video

2008-05-10T22:34:00.001-06:00

It's not often I actually laugh out loud at a video or tv show or anything else...but THIS video....this video definately made me spit my Diet Coke out all over my desk. Enjoy :)

Some good information, please watch

2008-05-06T01:12:00.002-06:00

Surfing around on YouTube, I found a few good videos dealing with bipolar disorder. Because I lack the technical skills (and time) to make one of my own, here are a few that I found particularly informational or moving. I tried to pick only relatively short videos, but there are actually TONS on YouTube that have lots of great information. Here are my picks so far:

Funny Shit

2008-05-02T02:02:00.001-06:00

A fellow blogger at beingbipolarsucks.blogspot.com posted this video today. I havent laughed this much in a LONG time, and figured it was worth a repost for everyone to see.

Truly great stuff here...thanks beingbipolarsucks for finding/posting such a HILARIOUS video!

Relationships--advice for women.

2008-05-01T00:06:00.003-06:00

Lately, it seems like a lot of the people I know are either breaking up with their partners or are getting a divorce. Strange. I've spoken enough about my own situation on this blog, but there is a fairly disturbing trend I see in my female friends lately....they ALWAYS seem to fall for some sweet-talking guy who ends up royally screwing them over in the end. Why?

Actually, the answer is quite simple. Many men (at least the type that like to prey on women in situations that they perceive makes them vulnerable) are quite good at picking out an "easy target" when it comes to women. It's the dirty little secret in every frat-boy's playbook.

Truth is lots of "guys" are good at finding out what a woman's type is and then act the part during the seduction phase. This is how the type of guy who is sleeping with a different girl damned near every night does it. It may take a little effort on his part to get moving, but once the ice is broken, its fairly simple. Goes something like this:

1. Find a girl you think is attractive. Pretend to befriend her or have sympathy for her situation and pretend to be interested in "helping" her through it somehow.
2. Keep the dialogue going and eventually move on to other subjects in an attempt to figure out her "type" so they can more easily make the woman accept their later advances.
3. Wait for the opportunity. During this phase, they simply pretend to be "just friends" with the girl until they are in a situation that makes them vulnerable to make a move....breaking up with their boyfriend, a divorce, etc etc. Pretending to be especially helpful or sympathetic at this time can really make him look good in her eyes, and makes seducing her easier.
4. Finally make the move. They will say some bullshit like "I never wanted to have feelings for you, it just kind of happened while we were friends." Translation: You're fair game now and I've pretended to be your friend for long enough just to get in your pants."

One particular group I find especially repugnant are those that are willing to try and have a relationship with someone that is married. Maybe they found out there is trouble in the marriage while playing the fake friendship routine.....maybe they overheard something about an impending divorce. Whatever the case, be very wary of guys that you meet that "relate" to your marital problems. Anyone willing to start a relationship with a married person is perfectly fine with emotional dishonesty - not a good quality in a partner.

How can I say these things? Because I'm a man. I've seen some of my very own former friends play this EXACT game before. Notice I said FORMER friends...they are no longer my friends because I got tired of seeing them treating women like meat and I could not, in good conscious, continue to be friends with them. I got tired of hearing the stories of their "conquests" and how they got some girl to sleep with them by pretending to give a shit...then they would drag her along for a little while, keeping up the routine until they got bored or found someone new to seduce, and dropped the girl like a hot potato.

To "men" like this, it is all a game of seduction. They do or say whatever it takes to get a girl to commit enough to have sex with them....even if it means pretending to love her enough to have an actual relationship. I've seen men play the game, and I've seen practically ALL of my female friends fall for it at least once...against the advice of myself and at least a couple other male friends who all saw what was going on from a mile away.

How can women be so blind? Simple. Some guys play the game very well. They actually PRACTICE. They know how to get a woman talking just enough to get to know what she is interested in, the problems in her life, etc. From there, it's all just a matter of patience and pretend friendship.

Why would I write this you may ask. Simple. Because I'm sick and tired of watching the women in my life (friends, relatives, etc) get screwed over by guys playing a game....guys simply trying to make another notch in their belts so they can brag to their friends about how many women were stupid enough to allow them to fuck them. Guys pretending to be "just friends" while they are actually just waiting on deck until they can make a move.

Have I ever done this before? Absolutely not. I do not believe in playing games with someone's emotions or pretending to be friends with them so I can simply fuck them. It takes a special kind of bastard to screw with someone's emotions when she is in a vulnerable place just so you can sleep with her...and I'm pretty sure there's a special kind of hell for that kind of person, too.

What is it like?

2008-04-27T03:35:00.002-06:00

Everything hurts so much....
Thoughts of hurting yourself to "repay" for what you have done to others....
You will do ANYTHING to get rid of the pain and guilt, even if it means hurting yourself.

You almost take away your own life for what you have done.

You cause pain to those you love the most.
You justify your thoughts and actions because you do not know there is something REALLY wrong.
You chase away your friends and family.
You chase away your wife because you know it will cause yourself more pain.
You purposefully try to hurt them so they will leave...so they will not share in your grief.
You say things you do not mean...you do things you do not WANT to do.
Underneath all of this, the person you REALLY are is dying inside.
You witness the death of your former life, your marriage, your friendships....but you can do nothing to stop it.

You spend the hours crying, trying to overcome something you have no control over...
Your life isn't what it once was. Things are different, and not in a way you want them to be...
People label you as "crazy" or "cruel" or "mentally defective".
You become angry because you secretly hate what you have become.
You become enraged because you want it to STOP, you don't want to hurt other people anymore.
You remember your past, how happy you once were.
You do not recognize yourself in the mirror anymore.
Who is this angry, bitter, violent person in your body?
What happened to the loving, gentle, caring person that used to be there?

THIS is bipolar.

But just because we are bipolar, it DOES NOT mean that is who we are...
underneath the hurt and the pain, we are real people...with feelings of our own.
We feel the pain we cause others because we do it to ourselves, too.
We never WANTED to hurt anyone.

We are not cruel or mean or angry by our nature. Completely the opposite.
We CAN become ourselves again....with understanding and love.

YES, we are deeply hurt by what we have done....more than you can EVER realize.
YES, we are intimately aware that we hurt you, that we treated you cruely. For this, we are eternally sorry. We suffered right along with you if it makes you feel any better.
The pain you felt absolutely pales in comparison to what we did to ourselves...
It was NEVER what we wanted.
We just want you to realize that by walking away, you are rejecting us....rejecting us for something we are NOT.

If we had the chance to choose, we would NOT choose to be this way....but we were not given that choice. It was thrust upon us without warning or justification...just like it was thrust upon you.

Please remember....we are still people. People trying to earn their lives back. People trying to mend broken marriages, heal friendships, and heal themselves all at the same time.

Do not hate us for what we have....love us for who we ARE.

Bipolar Bear

2008-04-25T23:57:00.001-06:00

This is some of the funniest stuff I've seen:

http://londonstimestshirts.wordpress.com/category/bipolar/

the racing mind

2008-04-23T01:28:00.002-06:00

I can remember the nights I would complain about not being able to "turn off my mind" and how it would keep me awake for hours. Hell, I remember writing several entries on this blog about it. I would focus SO hard on my school work because I thought I HAD to be the best...that I WAS the best. Little did I know that it was just one of a myriad of symptoms that would change my life...forever.

I remember feeling EXTREMELY frustrated that sometimes, I just could NOT make myself focus on the task at hand. I was supposed to be working on one thing, and my mind just kept switching subjects on me every two seconds. I became frustrated, irritated, and angry.

I would feel this way for days, sometimes weeks at a time. My wife would work her ass off just to keep the house going while I spent all my time locked in a room in my own manic world. I would eventually go to bed at 2 or 3 in the morning pissed off at the world....and would wake up the same way...or maybe not.

Any attempt by my wife to bring me back to reality was met with swift and harsh retribution. I could not let her know that I secretly was becoming more and more unhappy with myself and my apparent inability to be a good husband for reasons I did not know...I just knew I did NOT like the person I was becoming...and I was becoming worse nearly every week.

To this day, I still do not know the source of my anger. Probably because there WAS no source. It was just there. They say all anger comes from loss, but in my case, I don't really think that is true. I had it all: a devoted wife that truly loved me, a few friends, and the prospect of a good job when I was finished. There wasn't really anything to be angry about....I was just angry for no reason.

Towards the end, I started to realize that I had a very strong sense of self-loathing. It had been there for quite some time in the background, almost imperceptibly driving my actions. I realized that I truly, TRULY hated myself...and I would do anything it took to cause myself more pain. Irrational? Sure, but then again, I never claimed any of this to be rational.

My dear wife probably didnt know what the fuck was going on as I fought a massive secret war within myself. This would be a war to determine once and for all who would survive: the REAL me...or the "other" that posessed my body. All the while, as I fought, my wife paid the price and also witnessed the carnage as I became less and less of myself.

I was determined to win this war however, and have since then banished this "other" from my body. Still, there is plenty of carnage left in the wake of my own personal battle....some of which will never go away.

I have grown as a person since those times, and although they are fairly recent, I still refer to them as my "dark times". I am no longer that animal that posessed me. I am ME again, and I vow to do whatever it takes to keep it this way.

A poem by MyWarrior3.

2007-10-11T21:27:00.000-06:00

Can't you see,
that you are not wired like me?

You will never know
the terror that I face,
the horror I feel,
the ugliness,
YOU say is not there.

Those of you
who are not like me
are blind, you see.

You, who are not wired like me,
will never believe,
in the evil
that envelops
and controls
takes me to places
I never wanted to be.

I feel the ugliness of the world.
the lies, cheating, hitting slapping
hurting murdering rending of
the soul,
that happens each day.
I look at you and know
what will be in our lives.
In the short span of time,
when I our lives intertwine,
be it good,
be it bad,
be it betrayal
be it mad.

I can feel what you are going to
do to me.
I can see, in advance,
because I see your heart,
your reason for being in my life.

Those that are not wired like me,
will never see,
or believe,
that what I feel, know, see,
is very very real.

Those that are not wired like me,
tell me I am all wrong.
I am all mixed up
My brain is not working
right.
And you think yours is?

Do you care at all,
those in the world
that hurt
betrayed
rioted
raped
cannot escape
the hatred of the heart
of this world.

Because we are not wired
like you?
I am below you
I am wrong,
takes these pills
it will be all gone.
WRONG!

It only waits,
this evil twin,
until a time
when she can be
released.

Her anger
strenghten, her
rage knows no bounds
at the attempt to control
her existence--from me.
I am the guardian,
or shell if you please.
Of the anger of this
world,
I am not wired like you.

You do not have the ability
to shine
in the madness that
everyone tries to hide.
From each other,
themselves,
it all comes out in us,
because you cannot
face what is real.

I am only a reflection
of what you try to hide
from
behind

My madness is real
it is truer than you
my anger is justified
my rage avenged

I am only a shell
that carries the
evil of this world
That will not be denied.

Can't you see,
that what I go thru
is because of you!

When the world is away
from me
and I can't hear or see
the ugliness it shows
My evil twin is not
as strong.

My only fault,
is that I cannot
constantly push
the meanness
pain
hurt
away.

It stays within
until it can no longer be restrained.
And she shows her face.
Releases her rage
until it is all spent.
Then this guardian,
this shell,
must be there to try to fix
all she has wrought, in the
life of the guardian.
To face those that say
I am the one not right!

Those that are not wired
like me,
cannot, nor will never see.

The rage, terror, madness
loneliness of being me.
You fear what you don't know.
You hide from what you don't like.
You lie about what you don't want known.

I am a guardian,
a shell
that carries
the heart of this world.
And she is ugly.
Like you.
Those who are not wired like me.

Mother Theresa

2007-10-03T19:40:00.000-06:00

While searching the web for inspiration yesterday, I ran across a site devoted to Mother Theresa. Your views on religion aside, everyone must agree that she certainly WAS a smart woman, and she genuinely cared for people. Here, I have collected some of her quotes that I found the most endearing:

"Loneliness is the most terrible poverty. "

"Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty. "

"We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean. But the ocean would be less because of that missing drop."

"Love begins by taking care of the closest ones - the ones at home. "

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much. "

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love. "

"Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired."

"Everybody today seems to be in such a terrible rush, anxious for greater developments and greater riches and so on, so that children have very little time for their parents. Parents have very little time for each other, and in the home begins the disruption of peace of the world. "

"God doesn't require us to succeed; he only requires that you try. "

"If we want a love message to be heard, it has got to be sent out. To keep a lamp burning, we have to keep putting oil in it. "

"Intense love does not measure, it just gives. "

"The biggest disease today is not leprosy or tuberculosis, but rather the feeling of being unwanted. "

"The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread. "

A very, VERY smart woman indeed. Rest in peace.

My new Vows

2007-09-21T20:50:00.000-06:00

Starting tonight, I have decided that I will take a new set of vows. These vows will be to myself.

From this moment forward, I vow:

1) to never let those around me that mean so much to me go unappreciated

2) to live my life the way life was meant to be lived: 5 minutes at a time. There is no "later" without getting through "now" first.

3) that when I forgive someone of something, I will also forget. Forgiveness means letting go.

4) that every single day, I will take 5 minutes to think about all the things that are good in my life.

5) to realize that I don't have to be something I don't WANT to be. I CAN choose to be different...and I WILL.

6) I will forgive myself of my own personal failings...and this time, I mean it.

7) The measure of a man isn't how hard he can be hit without falling down. The measure of a REAL man is how many times he can be knocked down and still get back up.

8) that I will never forget how it feels to actually love myself...and I will work on this every day.

9) to realize that no one else can love me if I can't love myself first.

10) to never forget how much my wife means to me.....and to make DAMNED sure she knows it every second of every day.

Healing

2007-09-21T19:55:00.000-06:00

This past month or so has been a very trying time in my life...but I'm still here. I think I've finally gotten to the foundation of who and what I am.

So here I sit, infront of my Yamaha keyboard. I slowly start to play George Winston's "Winter Into Spring". I always come back to the music. On some fundamental level, the music is a part of what I am.

I used to love to play for people, to watch their faces as they watched an 8 year-old play Cannon in D major. I have come a long way since then...and even farther in the last month. I have finally found myself again....after I've been gone for so long.

I still love to play, but now, I play for ME. I play not to impress, and not to see the looks on other peoples faces. I play because it makes my soul peacefull.

Finally, my soul can be at rest. It is a feeling I have longed for for many years now.

As the old saying goes, all you need it love. God damned right...and you have to start with YOURSELF first. For the first time in my life, I can say I forgive myself, and that makes my heart soar.

Accepting one's self completely. Sounds so simple, yet it's so hard. Owning up to your mistakes and knowing that you really CAN make that change.

So...here I sit, at my piano....and for the first time in years, my soul is calm.

92 days and counting

2007-08-16T00:16:00.000-06:00

I registered for school this past Tuesday and got my new schedule.

This semester (my last one) consists of Medical/Surgical Nursing III (a compilation of 4 separate classes), Medical/Surgical Nursing III clinicals, Mental Health Clinicals, Professionalism for Practical Nursing, Geriatric Nursing II, Geriatric Nursing II Clinicals, and Special Projects (ATI testing). The grand total is 13 credit hours and 7 classes.

I will be in New Roads for most of my clinicals (as I predicted). God help me.

I don't know what to do

2007-08-12T02:43:00.000-06:00

I've been off for a week or so now, and I've mostly been staying up until about 4 in the morning playing ArmA:Combat Operations and watching TV.

I'm not really sure WHY, but hey...I'm out of school. That brings me to the subject of this post.

I register for my last semester of school in a few days, and just the thought of going back nearly makes me physically ill. Honestly, I dont WANT to go back. I'm looking at TEN WEEKS of clinicals, with one of the hardest clinicals instructors at the school, in some of the crappiest facilities.

10 whole fuckin' weeks of nothing but studying, writing GOD DAMNED CARE PLANS, and trying to get enough sleep and not being able to. Getting up at 4AM isn't pleasant either now that I think about it.

I really, truly, deep down don't think I can make it through another semester, then go to the NCLEX review classes, then take the board exams. It just too much.

I can honestly say that I'm a changed man, however. Changed for the WORSE. All the stress and struggling has made me into a bitter, angry person. Not at ALL how I used to be. I snap at my wife and my son for little things that normally wouldn't bother me at all. Somehow, I have to get my REAL personality back.

A month or so ago, I posted about something similar to this....about remembering who I am. It's SO HARD when your entire way of thinking has been reprogrammed. Half of nursing school is grooming. You don't actually take a class on it, but they make damned sure you come out conditioned to expect certain things and the like.

I just wish I could get rid of that part of the "training" that has made me into a hollow shell of myself. The triumph of the echo over the voice.

I'll do what I can before it ends up ruining my marriage with no hope of reconciliation....but I still have another semester to plow through first.

I shit you not...there WILL be tears when I'm done. Not tears of joy at finally accomplishing something...but the kind of tears I'm sure one has when they get out of prison or something. Yeah, not joy....tears that say "I'm finally finished with this BULLSHIT after spending the last 2 years of my LIFE being tortured and tested and annoyed and lied to!"

Tears of rage.

...and thus ends the summer semester.

2007-07-31T08:08:00.000-06:00

Today was the last day of "class" for the summer semester. Actually, all that it entailed was taking my integumentary final exam. I arrived at school at 7:45AM and was back home by 8:45AM.

This past semester seemed to drag on forever, and I REALLY need this break. Towards the end, I found myself not caring what my grades were as long as I passed. I should probably care more, but it's awfully hard to do when school takes up your entire life and then some more if you want A's.

Oh well, I've made it through yet another semester of school. One more to go before I graduate, and then it's State Board time sometime in early January to take the test to get my actual license.

I'm going to do a whole lot of absolutely NOTHING over this break....I deserve it after all the work I did in clinicals this semester.

Almost done for the semester

2007-07-24T20:43:00.000-06:00

Its been 2 weeks since I last made an entry, and for good reason...I've been too busy. I have 7 days until this semester is over, and 114 days until my graduation day.

Here's a quick run-down of what's happened the last two weeks:
1. Clinicals are over. Last week was our last week for the semester...thank GOD. I made it out in one piece, and with my sanity (mostly) intact.

2. We learned we are NOT graduating in October. We are NOW scheduled to graduate November 16th....which has a LOT of us awfully pissed off. Six more weeks worth of school, and I could have earned my AD-RN instead of my LPN. Think about that. LPN's get paid roughly $14/hr...if you're lucky. RN's make about $30/hr, or twice what an LPN makes. I'll have been in school for 23 months, or just over one month shy of what it would have taken to get my ADRN. More on this later.

3. I passed Endocrine with an "A", GI class with a "B", still waiting on Oncology, but I made either a B or C in it, and I'm currently failing Respiratory along with half the damn class. Our respiratory teacher doesn't teach, and it shows. I'm not going to stress over it however.....if I make it, I make it. If not, then I won't.

I have a new piece of advice for anyone thinking about going to school to get their LPN: DON'T! Don't waste your time. Just a few more months of school and you could be an RN making more than TWICE the money of an LPN. As it is, I'll have to go BACK to school to become an RN instead of just going for that to begin with.

We've been lied to since day 1 at my school. I would NEVER recommend it to anyone. Steer CLEAR of the LTC system in Louisiana. We were told that it would only take 15 months to graduate with our LPN. LIE!

We weren't told until after school had started that we have to take an entire semester of pre-req type classes that do not count towards the nursing program. An entire semester...wasted. I was forced to take only TWO of these classes because I tested out of all the rest of them. The only ones I did not test out of are the two that they do not allow you to test out of. An entire semester wasted for me when I could have been earning my RN.

I WOULD NOT RECOMMEND ANYONE GO TO ANY OF THE LOUISIANA TECHNICAL COLLEGES TO GET YOUR LPN!!!!!

That's just incase anyone was unclear about what I meant. The class schedule is designed to weed out people, you WILL be lied to constantly about things like your graduation date, the grading scale, etc. God forbid if you are a male......you WILL be discriminated against, and when you go to the dean of the school with complaints of discrimination, you are labeled a "whiner" and a "troublemaker".

Save yourselves the stress and anxiety that I have gone through. As someone with 1/2 of a semester to go before I graduate, I will tell you this: do NOT, under ANY circumstances, waste your time getting your LPN. Do yourself a favor and go straight for your Associate RN. Then you can go back later to get your BSN if you choose.

Something else we found out: We will have 10 weeks of clinicals next semester. Just the thought of it makes me want to vomit. I already know I'll be BACK in New Roads with Mrs Leonards (aka. the "slave driver") of clinical instructors. I had her my first semester, so at least I know what to expect.

I'm tired and headed to bed now. More later.

Here we go again

2007-07-01T22:26:00.000-06:00

Sunday night, 11:30Pm and I can't sleep. I can't help it, I can NEVER sleep the night before I head back to clinicals.

Yes, I know it's only two days, but I absolutely HATE clinicals. Why? Here's why:

1) Every clinicals I've been to has been the same. I get to practice my geriatrics clinical skills...changing adult diapers and cleaning up shit (literally...shit) all day long. Oh, and I have to take vital signs every 2 hours and help everyone else in my clinical group so they can make a good grade as well.

2) I HATE getting up at 5am.

3) As nursing students, we easily do five times the amount of work an actual nurse does. They have CNA's that change diapers and bedsheets and assist patients to the bathroom. The CNA's are there because the nurses can't possibly do that with 20+ patients. Newsflash: neither can I...and I'm just a student.

4) We are graded impossibly hard on our skills. Skills that I never actually get to be graded on because I never actually get to DO any of them. Instead, I'm drilled like I'm in the fucking army when it comes to my drug knowledge because my instructors think that since I dont have to do any skills, then I BETTER at least know my drugs backwards and forwards. I'd rather actually get to do what a "real" nurse does instead, thank you very much.

5) I get to spend all damned day on my feet running from room to room wiping everyone's ass while the actual nurses sit down and chit-chat about their jobs being so hard. I wonder if they remember being a STUDENT. Their days go something like this: Get to work, eat breakfast, get report, check the MAR for meds. Get meds ready then give patients their meds. Make CNA's take vital signs. Enter meds given on chart. Sit around and wait until the next meds have to be given...etc etc. I WISH clinicals was actually like being a nurse.

6) I learn nothing new. I've been down this road seven times already. It's always the same shit day in and day out. Record vital signs, do 6 hours of pointless paperwork for the instructor, do 2 careplans (that are done for you by a computer when you are actually working as a nurse), change 16 diapers and bedsheets because the patient got feces all over himself AND the bed...eat lunch at noon....change more diapers...leave at 2pm.

Basically, it boils down to the fact that I'm sick and tired of being the "shit man" everytime I go to clinicals. I always end up with a train wreck for a patient that is ALWAYS incontinent of bladder AND bowels, is on 45 medications that I am drilled on with only 1 day's notice, and then I spend the rest of the day literally cleaning up my patient's crap.

Not that I don't have sympathy for them...I really honestly do. It's just the fact that I'm supposed to be learning how to be a NURSE. I already know how to be a CNA...in fact, I already am a CNA. I don't need anymore practice in being a CNA. I need practice being an LPN. LPN's dont spend their entire day changing diapers and giving bedbaths so why should I? The answer is simple. I'm male.

I don't get to do anything else except CNA work because I'm not allowed to do procedures on female patients....which means I'm ALWAYS busy giving a bedbath or some other bullshit to male patients. That means I'm not around when the instructor asks "We have an IV to start in room 213...who volunteers?" Of course, someone always volunteers, and I'm always in the fucking shower room doing CNA work while the female students are in the nurse's station waiting for more procedures to come in.

It really sucks, and I'm starting to get really, REALLY tired of it. Giving a bedbath takes a good 15-30 minutes to do it properly (and not take shortcuts). If I'm always busy doing CNA work, how can I even be available to do anything else?

End of Pediatrics, a test, and start of Med/Surg 2

2007-06-28T19:50:00.000-06:00

Pediatrics clinicals ended this past Tuesday. Basically, we took some vital signs and sat around bullshitting with our instructor all day. I got to go to the pediatric burn unit however, and it was "interesting" to say the least. One of my classmates ended up passing out while they were scrubbing dead skin off a 23 month old infant. I have to admit, even though I knew he was practically unconcious from all the morphine, it broke my heart to watch it.

He was a 23 month old African-American baby. The water heater as his house went out, so his mother heated up some water on the stove. She set the pot down to fill the tub up, and the kid fell in it. Social services verified it, so no child-abuse in this case. This poor kid's legs were practically devoid of skin. While they were scrubbing him, he kept reaching out to me screaming in pain. I reached in for him and let him squeeze my right index finger while they scrubbed him raw. It was a bloody mess, and I felt so bad for the kid I felt my eyes tear up. I know what would happen would they NOT scrub off the dead skin, so I knew the debriedment had to be done.....still didn't make it any easier to see. A break in the session occurred when my fellow classmate almost hit the floor. I had to jump across the room and catch her before her head slammed into the corner of a counter.

The mix of the hot, humid room (for the patient's comfort) and the stifling sterile gowns and masks would make just about anyone dizzy at the least...and add to that the trauma of what was going on and I can honestly say I'm surprised that I wasn't the one passing out.

Last Friday, we took an endocrine test that I'm pretty sure I absolutely bombed. We went over the test afterwards, and I can only remember thinking "FUCK! I got ANOTHER one wrong!" after just about every question. We have a BIG endocrine test tomorrow, which I haven't had time to study for at all between the fatigue and clinicals.

Med/Surg2 clinicals started yesterday. As usual, my assigned patient is practically a train-wreck. Incontinent, past CVA, multiple ischemic ulcers, etc. Basically, I will spend yet ANOTHER supposedly "advanced" clinical doing CNA work.

I'm so sick of wiping asses and changing adult diapers while my fellow classmates get to practice procedures I could scream. I'm a SENIOR and I haven't so much as watched a catheter be inserted. I realize this is because I am male. My pediatrics instructor claims it is discriminatory against me and I should inform the department head. I'm thinking he is right. I get screwed out of critical practice time and experience based solely upon the fact that I am male. This is the last clinical that we will be shown any kind of mercy when it comes to practicing our procedures, and I haven't done SHIT since I started. Next semester will be my last one, and we will be expected to be proficient in our skills. Too bad I haven't had any real-life practice on them because of the stigma surrounding a male nurse working with a female patient.

I can just see myself at interviews after I graduate:

"How many Iv's have you started?"
"none"
"how many catheters have you done?"
"none"
"how many ostomies have you changed?"
"none"
"how many times have you cared for a female LTC patient?"
"none"
"Well, we're looking for an actual NURSE...someone that is good on their skills."
"B..b...but I've changed HUNDREDS of adult diapers!"

Yeah, that'll go over really well. Every clinical for me has been exactly the same....wiping asses and changing diapers on a bunch of old men. The only exception so far is that I've had to actually give medications to the same old men a few times. With the exception of trying to talk to one non-English-speaking woman at OB clinicals, I have yet to be assigned to a female patient.

I wonder why the female students are allowed to do total-care on male patients, but I am not even allowed in the same ROOM as a female patient without anothe female present? There is an OBVIOUS discrimination problem here, but unfortunately, I am not in a position to do anything about it but piss and moan to my instructor and my department head...which gives me the reputation of being a whiner.

This is really starting to get to me for some reason. I am NOT being afforded the same opportunity to learn as my female counterparts. They are allowed to care for male patients with ZERO restrictions, but I have all KINDS of restrictions on what I am allowed to do....simply because I'm male. One of the main ones must be that I am NOT allowed to do total-care on a female patient at all.....I say this because in the 2 years I've been doing clinicals, I have NEVER had a female patient, I have NEVER been allowed in a room with a female patient to observe any procedures done, and I have NEVER been allowed to assess the general condition of a female patient unless another female nurse is also present.

It's bullshit....and it's starting to piss me off.

The fatigue-factor really got to me this past week. Yesterday I came home, shut the door, and fell asleep on the living room floor. I didn't have the energy to crawl to the bedroom. I woke up 4 hours later, took a shower, grabbed something to eat at Shoney's with my wife and son, and came back home. I tried to interact with Clayton for a little while before taking another very hot shower and going to bed at about 9pm. I woke up around 11PM and couldn't go back to sleep. I eventually dozed back off at around 1AM and spent the rest of the night waking up about every hour. The alarm went off at 4:30AM, mercifully ending my fitfull night's sleep.

I got dressed, kissed Kristi goodbye, and headed off to Zachary, aided by the GPS system on my LG8700 phone. Speaking of which, cellphone GPS is the best thing EVER invented. It makes it practically impossible to get lost. Do a search for your destination, set it to find directions from your current GPS location, and off you go. Turn-by-turn directions get you there on time.

I needed them since I was so tired I couldn't remember where my own ass was much less where some hospital was out in B.F.E. I arrived, drank a bottle of water and got to work. I left at 2:30PM for the drive home, swerving all over the place while I tried to stay awake.

Got home, did 4 hours of paperwork, and here I am....making a last-minute blog entry before I hit the showers, then the sheets.....too tired to study for the endocrine test that I know damned-well I should study for...but something HAS to give. I can either study or sleep....and I'm so tired I'm actually wobbling in my chair.

Clincals lifesaver #2: Witch hazel on a towel. You heard me. Every day, I pack a terrycloth washcloth in a quart-sized ziplock, then I pour witch hazel on it and seal it up. At lunctime, I lock myself in a bathroom stall and wipe down. Makes you feel like you just got out the shower.

Anyhow, I'm now to the point where I'm falling asleep sitting here while I type, so I'm off....more tomorrow after I get home.

Second day of pediatrics clinicals

2007-06-20T22:11:00.000-06:00

There's not much to say because there wasn't much to do.

I was at the LTC facility. There was ONE kid in the place, so all three of us were "working with" this one little girl.

We sat around, watching her be a little kid...went outside and got all sweaty because it was 98F and 10,000% humidity, then came back inside and watched her eat her lunch then play some more.

We didn't get to eat until 11:45AM which is stupid b/c we leave at 1pm. We wrote some paperwork and went home.

Tomorrow, we get to make posters about vegetables. In other words, we're getting used as labor for the daycare center so that the employees don't have to do it.

Oh well....boring two days.

First Day of Pediatrics Clinicals

2007-06-19T10:09:00.000-06:00

Today was the first day of pediatrics clinicals....a short one. All we did was orientation. We arrived at 815am and just sat around until 9am. We walked around, certified on the Accu-Chek machines (again...this makes at least the 20th time), and left at about 1030AM.

Tomorrow, I will be back at the school for the well-child clinic....basically a daycare setting where we will choose a kid to follow for a couple of days. I know there's tons of paperwork, but as of yet, I have no idea WHAT paperwork. At least I dont have to wear my stupid white clinicals uniforms, and instead, I can wear my navy blue scrubs which are 100x more comfortable.

Oh well, I'm starving for some good grilled Chinese vegetables. Kristi and I will probably head to lunch pretty soon, and when I get back, I'll try and sort throught the mounds of paperwork for clinicals to see exactly what I need to do.

I have a feeling this rotation will be MUUUCH better than the last one. No stress....I'll keep my promise.

Up next: Pediatric Clinicals

2007-06-18T10:52:00.000-06:00

This week is going to be pediatrics clinicals week. Starts tomorrow at 8:45AM for orientation.

The instructor is one that I actually like...well...one I actually have respect for as he seems to take his job as a teacher seriously, and seems to genuinely want his students to LEARN something instead of just jump through hoops.

Thost kinds of teachers are rare in nursing school. Oh sure, they will TELL you they want you to learn, then you find out they are full of it.

Anyhow, I'll be at Mid-City, doing whatever. I'm not too sure what's going to happen, but it can't be any worse than OB clinicals...so I'm pretty sure I'll make it through with a minimum of bullshit from the instructor.

I've heard from other students that there is a LOT of paperwork involved, and paperwork is something I find extremely tedious, especially when it takes 4 and 5 hours to complete.

It's only 5 days, and I can take 5 days of just about anything, so I'm staying positive.

So far, I've managed to keep my promise to myself to NOT get all stressed out like I did last semester....I intend to keep that promise.

Are you gay?

2007-06-15T20:38:00.000-06:00

As a follow-up to my earlier entry, I thought I would take time to address a common question I get from people concerning my choice of nursing as a career.

While I am not gay myself, I DO happen to know a few men that are. A handful of them are nurses, and a further handful more are CNA's. One's sexual orientation is not of particular concern to me, and in my opinion, all of the above mentioned men are excellent in their chosen careers.

I would suppose that it is assumed that men that want to become nurses are homosexual because of the common misconception that nursing is a woman's job. Nothing could be more incorrect. In fact, it wasn't until fairly recently in history that caregivers that were nurses (although they weren't actually called "nurses" yet) were almost always men...and women were considered unfit for the role.

There are plenty of hurdles to overcome as a man in trying to become a nurse. Indeed, even satisfying the requirements of the State Board of Nursing is difficult because one has to be certified in just about every skill before he can graduate. These skills range from something as simple as making an unoccupied bed to as complex as tracheostomy care or any number of other such specialized procedures.

The problem specific to being a man and getting these skills completed during school is a simple one to explain...men are barred from performing certain procedures on female patients at most places where students go to practice and learn. For example, I was not allowed to insert catheters into female patients at ANY of the facilities I went to for clinicals. I was also not allowed to assist elderly females to the shower when they needed one, nor was I allowed to perform a detailed head-to-toe assessment on a female patient.

This is very VERY unfair to male nursing students, and in my opinion, should be illegal. Men who wish to become nurses should have the very same opportunities to learn as their female counterparts, who are NOT restricted from performing these same tasks on patients of the opposite sex. In other words, there is blantant sexism against men in the nursing profession.

While I am not the top person in my class, I AM in the top 5. I have been told by THREE different clinicals instructors that I am the most promising student they have had in many years. Staff nurses at various hospitals have told me that they hope I come to work at their facility because they see how I work, and know I would be a great asset to their departments. I have had CHARGE nurses tell me I should really consider being a doctor because I have a real talent for identifying specific problems, and formulating a plan of treatment for them.

All that means NOTHING. Why? Because in order to get there, I have to be able to demonstrate my proficiency in basic skills such as catheterizing a female patient first. Sure, I know the procedure in microscopic detail. I could probably do it with both eyes closed and one hand tied behind my back. None of that matters. I could very well be denied my chance to take the Board exams based on the fact that I have not been given the opportunity to perform certain tasks based solely upon the fact that I am a man.

It's not like I havent been given enough practice...I haven't been given the opportunity AT ALL.

As I stated earlier, I didn't decide to be a nurse so I could see naked women all day. Trust me on this: 99.999% of the women that you DO see naked will leave burned images in your retina of a most UNpleasant kind anyhow. I'm there to do a job.

There is the stigma that all men want to do is stick their dick in every woman they see...and ESPECIALLY if she's naked. Forget the fact that I'm a happily married man with a toddler...since I'm male, I'm not capable of being a professional around a nude patient, at least that is what they want you to think....simply because I'm a man.

Simply because I'm a man, I am not afforded the same opportunities to better myself through education as my female counterparts...an education that I paid for with money out of my OWN pocket. I am supposed to go through school without any hands-on practice with female patients, and am restricted to theory only.

The LAST thing on my mind is "lookie here...a naked chick!" when I'm looking at some naked woman with the clap who has green discharge pouring from her vagina that is causing the entire room to smell like a closed ice chest full of sea bass that has been left outside in the sun for a week and then suddenly opened in a hot car with the windows rolled up. What I'm actually thinking is "Where the FUCK did I put that fourth pair of latex gloves...and someone needs to get the Glade"

Actually, all humor aside, I'm thinking I have six more patients to attend to, so let me get this done so I can move on.

Then there are the so-called "modest" patients that refuse to have a male nurse help them. As I stated in my previous entry, most of the time, even the female staff say things like "She's KIDDING, right?!" Why would they say that? Here's an example from just this week:

26 year old female learns that I am going to be her nurse during her free clinic visit. When I leave the room to get a few pairs of gloves, she tells another nurse that she's shy around men and doesn't want me as a nurse because I'm a man. The nurse goes to her chart, looks at it, and actually laughed out loud (not infront of her of course). This bitch has FIVE...count them...FIVE concurrent STD infections...three of which are different strains of syphilis. She's fucking shy around men alright. It would do her well to be less concerned about being embarassed to let a male nurse see her naked, and more shy around the no doubt 5 or 6 different men that she lets pound her vagina into a pulp while leaving her a new present that only vancomycin can unwrap.

I won't even bother to explain the other side of the spectrum: The 80 year-old nympho that will try and show you what looks like two basset hounds fighting over mangled-up roadkill and say things like "hey, nurse! I just got my enema and I'm ready to have some fun...." Yes....this has happend to me as well. I still have the nightmares.

THEN...then there's the "You a nurse? Are you gay or something?" people. I can somewhat understand being embarassed to show some guy your smelly cooch. I can also forgive an eldery lady just trying to get a rise out of people. I can NOT, however, forgive someone in otherwise good health when they're bigoted.

A few times, I have seriously thought about saying "Yes...yes I AM gay....is there a problem with that?" Then I realize that having my wife holding my hand while carrying our son would probably give me away. I suspect it is more of a lame attempt at an insult. Like somehow me being a nurse means I'm a "sissy" or something. Strange. One of the RN's I had the pleasure of working with this past week is a gay man...and I would hardly call the guy a sissy. In fact, I'm pretty sure MOST people wouldn't dare call him a sissy to his face being as he's quite large and obviously not what most people think of when they think of a gay man.

I would think that by now, most people would have gotten over the whole classification of people based on intangible concepts thing. One of my friends is gay...yet it is something I hardly ever even THINK of. In fact, the only time I really think of him as a gay man is when he tells me about some new guy he's dating.

No...I dont have a problem with it. I see nothing wrong with two people who like each other enjoying each other's company...regardless of their gender. For one, it's really none of my business, and second, I just honestly don't see the big deal.

What's worse: Two men who love each other....or a crowd of 500 straight men spewing hatred towards those two men. In my opinion, love is always better than hate...even if hate comes in superior numbers.

So...does being a nurse mean I have "tendencies"? I don't think so...at all. While I have absolutely nothing against gay men OR women, I simply cannot imagine thinking of a nice pair of tits as disgusting....especially when theyre on my wife, but I digress.

I think it's about time the hurdles that men have to jump in order to become nurses needs to be lowered to the same level as those for women. Men deserve the very same opportunities to practice on patients of the opposite sex as female students....ESPECIALLY when us men are paying for said education with our own money. I'm not paying the schools to discriminate against me...I am paying to be taught. I shouldn't be seen as a "male nurse". I should simply be seen as "nurse".

Okay...what is the purpose of all this anyhow?

2007-06-15T15:30:00.001-06:00

Since it's been awhile since I started this blog, I've gotten a few emails asking me what made me decide to start this in the first place. The answer is both very simple, and rather complex.

The simple reason first: Because when I was trying to figure out what school I wanted to go to, what kind of program I wanted to enter, or anything else about nursing school, there were TONS of forums and such devoted to the subject, but absolutely NONE actually dealt with what goes on.

The complex answer next:

When you read those forums, you will read stuff like "It was really hard work, but it was TOTALLY worth it!!!111eleventy!11!". Not a whole lot of information there. I know when I make entries late at night right before I go to bed, I'm basically typing as fast as humanly possible to get my thoughts out and still not spend an hour per post...so I make a few spelling and grammatical errors now and then. That being said, reading some of those other forums makes me VERY scared about the kinds of illiterate people that are trying to become nurses. They type in "text message-ese" or misspell so many words that one has to actually sit there and try and decipher what the poster was trying to say.

I wanted to make a blog that spelled out, in DETAIL, the day-to-day experiences of a nursing student. I wanted to include all the bullshit that happens as well, which is what is often missing from other blogs or forums. You only get half the REAL story that way. This blog is the story of a nursing student (me) who tells it like it is. No fluff, no bullshit, just the raw details of what happens.

I also use this blog as a place to unload if you will about topics I read elsewhere. Everyone experiences things that they just want to get off their chest, or they want to say things that they may not be comfortable saying in public. This is the place where I do that...although I've never been one to hold my tongue, even about subjects or opinions that I KNOW will be unpopular.

To sum it up: If you want to know what REALLY happens during nursing school, THIS is your blog. No one else will tell you things like there WILL be times when you will have screaming matches with your instructors....or that if you are a MAN trying to become a nurse, you will have HUGE hurdles to overcome due to the fact that the profession is geared towards women.

Let me address that last part here and now:
It's a fact. Nursing is a female-dominated profession. When women who have been nurses for years see an ambitious man come in who is obviously willing to learn and wants to do a good job, they feel threatened. Many hospitals still haven't gotten the memo about men being nurses, and they still have policies against male nurses performing certain procedures on female patients like catheterizations.

Here's the dirty truth....I'm a NURSE. Who gives a shit if I'm male. I'm not interested in copping a feel on some chick with 15 different STD's while putting in a Foley catheter...nor am I going to touch her vagina inappropriately as it leaks out syphilis-ridden green discharge. I'm here to do a job..and I will do it wearing THREE pairs of gloves. The same job any other nurse is there to do, just maybe the other nurse won't be wearing so many pairs of latex. Just because I'm a man doesnt mean I want to stick my penis into every nasty, smelly, rotten vagina I see. Seriously...there was this lady that was worred about a man putting in her catheter because she was "modest". So modest that she was being treated for no less than NINE concurrent STD infections...and I'm NOT making this up. She probably would do well to be less modest about the gender of the nurse taking care of her, and moreso about the number of men she lets pound her vagina into pulp while leaving her with a NEW microbial present.

Time to join the 21st century. These same women are stuck in the past when women were to be kept barefoot and pregnant, and men weren't allowed to see a stranger's ankles...except they really ARE staying barefoot and pregnant, and are letting everyone but male nurses see much, MUCH more than their ankles. The problem with this is that the female charge nurses agree.

Well guess what....women want to be considered equal in the workforce. That's all good UNTIL men start doing what was once considered a woman's job by becomming a nurse. I didn't want to be a nurse because I wanted to see naked 80 year-old women. I wanted to be a nurse because I like practicing medicine and helping people, it pays well, and I can get a job anywhere I move to literally within hours of being there.

I'm not afraid of being blunt and to the point. I've never believed in not telling the whole story and telling it in a manner descriptive enough so that everyone that reads it can understand EXACTLY what it's like.

I don't plan on staying an LPN for long. BSN is right around the corner, then a master's and maybe a doctorate after that. Still...THIS is the blog where you will read what it's TRULY all about.

First week of clinicals complete

2007-06-14T21:39:00.000-06:00

Jesus Christ this was a busy week! I would have written a few updates, but I was honestly so tired every day that I would come home and practically collapse.

Here's the brief rundown of the week by days...

Monday 6:30AM Newborn Nursery: We spent the day in the nursery assessing and taking care of the newborns. I saw quite a few of my classmates who were VERY nervous at this thought. Having a kid is definately an advantage here, as I was very confident and comfortable handling the babies because it was only about 18 months ago that I was doing similar things on a daily basis here at home with my OWN kid. We took vitals, observed the M.D.'s assessment of neonates, and basically attended to our assigned baby's needs...feedings, diaper changes, charting, etc. We left at 3PM.

Monday 6PM: I get a call just as I am getting out the shower....I have to go back to Earl K Long to observe a live vaginal delivery. It was everything I thought it would be...and more. That's about all that needs to be said. I left at 8:45PM.

Tuesday 6:30AM: After doing reports the night before, I arrive back at EKL on about 4 hours of sleep. Half of us are in the postpartum unit...the other half still in the nursery working on assessment skills. Basically, it was total patient care of the postpartal woman. Good stuff....not. Out of a 15-bed floor, 13 were illegal Mexican immigrants that spoke ZERO English. My personal feelings about illegal immigrants comming here just to have their babies aside, it was an alright unit...busy, but not too bad. I finished out the day at about 3PM.

Wednesday 630AM: Postpartum unit again. This time, we had 3 convicts and 6 new illegals to take care of along with 6 patients who were there from the day before. I also went to the Prenatal free clinic this day to see how things are run. The patient I followed was a 16 year-old African American girl that was 19 weeks pregnant and had never been to the doctor before. I watched the doctor perform all the checks she humanly could, because she said that there's a good chance that this girl wouldn't come back for anything until it was time to deliver. They provided her with about $300 worth of free prenatal vitamins and sent her on her way with various literature that will no doubt go right into the garbage can when she gets home.

Wednesday 2:30PM: Back to the postpartum unit. Four patients have been sent home out of the 6 that were left. Almost immediately, they were replaced by four MORE illegal immigrants that spoke no English either. I begin to wonder exactly how much money our government is spending on providing medical care to people that don't have any legal right to be here in the first place. Considering this is Baton Rouge, Louisiana....and the fact that we don't exactly have a large Latino population to begin with, I can only imagine what it's like in Arizona or southern California. I quickly learn why people in those states are practically SCREAMING about how all the illegals are basically bleeding their healthcare systems dry of funds. It's been three days, and I have seen no less than 20 illegal mexicans have babies at this ONE hospital...for free...on the taxpayer's dime. Oh, and they hook them up with about 2 month's worth of free diapers, formula, and a free breast pump worth about $250 as well. So not only do they get free medical care, but they get government assistance in the form of food stamps, WIC, and medicare, plus free equipment that includes a free car seat. Outstanding. I think when the wife and I have our next kid, we will have to go there and get a bunch of free shit, too. After all, we paid close to $400 for our carseat/stroller combo and they're GIVING them away at Earl K Long to every illegal immigrant that comes in and farts out a baby. I leave at 4PM.

Thursday 630AM: I have already completed my obligations for OB clinicals. My instructor compliments me on being "one of the best students I have seen in 30 years". The nursery charge nurse says the same. I feel my chest rise with pride. I'm running on caffeine and sugar at this point, as I have not gotten more than 5 hours of sleep at a time since the beginning of the week. I've busted my ass, and apparently, people have noticed. It's always nice to have hard work recognized. I am sent to the NICU to observe since I have nothing else to do because I have completed my requirements.

My instructor introduces me to the NICU charge nurse by saying "I have a student that thinks he would like to work in this area when he graduates. He's one of the best I've ever seen...do you mind if he stays here for awhile and learns what goes on?" She obliges, and proceeds to show me around. I am amazed at the $45,000 computer-controlled isolettes for the neonates. These things remind me of something from Star Trek. They program them with a set of parameters, such as bilirubin levels and such. Every so often, the isolette lasers the baby's skin to get a sub-q bili level. If it is above the preprogrammed limit, it automatically raises the lid and turns on the bili-lights to the appropriate level and notifies the staff. If the baby's O2 saturation falls below a certain level, the isolette will lower the top, seal itself off, and automatically administer 2L/min of O2...and notify the staff. Same thing for temperature. Seriously...that is some badass shit right there.

I leave the NICU and return to the postpartum unit where the rest of my classmates are working feverishly to complete their assignments. I am instantly bombarded with questions like "can you come help me assess this patient?" and "Can you help me with the procedure to d/c (discontinue) an IV?" My instructor hears them asking me questions, comes over to me...and says "You can't earn their grades for them...let them be". My reply is "Nurses work as a team. I'm more than happy to help anyone anyway I can...its the only way to learn sometimes, and they've helped ME out when I needed it, it's only fair to return the favor".

Her reply? "They're seniors, too. They should already know what they're doing by now". Well, they may be seniors, but we're all still STUDENTS. We are still in the learning phase. So what if someone needs to be reminded how to remove an IV properly? It's not like we've done it every day for 20 years.

anyhow, she finally sees that I'm basically doing nothing but walking from room to room helping the other students get finished. She pulls me aside and say "I've been VERY impressed by you this week. You're finished with everything 2 days early...which has never happened before. If you like, you can stay home Monday since I really don't have anything left for you to do. You've been to the nursery, NICU, ER, clinic, postpartum, prenatal, delivery room, and lab. I think you've EARNED a free day since I've not seen you stand still the entire time."

I thank her for the opportunity to have a day off, and start to leave. Before I do, I go around and thank all the nurses that have helped me or that I have bugged the shit out of with my questions. I thank them for being patient and for teaching me things that I couldn't possibly have learned otherwise. They were more than willing to explain anything or teach anything I asked about. Totally awsome experience, and the best staff I've worked with in clinicals so far.

I leave at 3PM, drive home, walk through the door, and drop on the living room carpet...exhausted. I sleep on the floor for close to 3 hours when my wife wakes me as she is coming thru the door from grocery shopping and going to the doctor.

I have paperwork to do, but I have decided that I'm not doing it tonight even though it is due tomorrow. We have three tests tomorrow morning: 2 endocrine exams and 1 GI exam. I will do my careplan for OB clinicals afterwards and turn them in during lunch.

I feel I've earned my rest tonight, and rest is exactly what I will do. Next Tuesday, I start pediatrics clinicals, and I intend to be well-rested and ready to work when it starts.

First week of class almost finished

2007-06-07T20:14:00.000-06:00

Alright...here we go. Class started on Monday. We got our list of classes, clinical instructors, etc.

Tuesday and Wednesday I spent at Lane Regional Medical Center for orientation, even though i won't be there for clinicals for another 3 weeks.

My schedule will be: Mon-Thurs = clinicals. Fri = class. I start off with maternity clinicals at Earl K. Long hospital. It's a charity hospital. Let me just say this about it: I'd rather die on the way to a different hospital than be brought to that one. At any rate, I will be there for about a week to observe a live vaginal delivery (by some ghetto crackhead considering the hospital) and do observations on the newborn (who will quite likely be born addicted to something). Before you go calling me a racist, the actual statistics for this hospital are that 79% of newborns that are born there are born addicted to at LEAST one illegal drug. No...sadly, I'm NOT kidding.

I will then move on to Pediatric clinicals for about 1 more week. I will be at Baton Rouge General Mid-City...so I will likely be bringing my Walther P99 with me in the car on the way.

I will finish clinicals with 11 days at Lane for Med/Surg II clinicals.

The classes I had today were Endocrine then GI. We have a GI test tomorrow on all the diagnostic tests done to diagnose GI problems.

Pretty much, it will be bust-ass all week at clinicals, then try to find time to study for a test every Friday in addition to the mountains of paperwork that clinicals will require.

I can't complain TOO much, there's only 36 days of actual classes/clinicals left in this semester.

I have resolved that I will NOT get stressed out like last semester. I will relax and take my time. When I am tired, I will take a nap then get back to studying or finishing paperwork. I will not let the few assholes in my class piss me off, nor will I allow my instructors to stress me out. I WILL have a simblance of a normal life and I WILL pass all my classes. I will get a normal amount of sleep even if it means I have to put off a few things until the next day.

We went from 46 people in the class last semester to 28 this semester. A LOT of people failed out..and I was almost one of them because I got so stressed I could barely function. I learned my lesson, and learned it WELL. It will NOT happen again.

I have started to look ahead, job-wise. If I work in New Orleans, I could easily make $30 an hour as an LPN as opposed to $14-$16 here in Baton Rouge. Gee...i wonder what I'm gonna do.

Good lord...

2007-06-01T04:05:00.000-06:00

I posted about Snus, and within HOURS I got 3 emails (why don't you guys just leave messages on the board so everyone can read what you say?!).

All three were of the "How can you use tobacco and be a nursing student?!" nature. My initial reaction to them was that I nearly shot water out my nose from laughing while drinking a glass....then I remembered that non-nursing-student types probably wouldn't get the joke.

After having said it at LEAST a dozen times on this site, I will say it again: Nursing school has been the single most stressful, insomnia-inducing, life-force-sucking task I have ever undertaken in my life. If you dont smoke when you start, I guarantee that you will have at LEAST tried it before you graduate.

Anyhow, snus is NOTHING like "dip". Pretty sure I made that clear. One can use portion snus and nobody knows it but you. No spit, no mess, etc. Just a nice nicotine surge with a pleasant flavor and no cancer to go with it.

If you are a current smoker looking to get away from the cigs...or if you use dip and want something different/safer, click this banner below:

Again: shameless plug for personal gain, but still....this IS where I order a variety of snus from, and the site is the highest-rated site for ordering snus among the 5 or 6 snus-forums I found.

So let's recap: Don't email me. In fact, I will remove my email from the blog completely. Use the messaging feature on this blog to leave comments. I use my email for school/personal purposes. The best way to get my attention on the blog is to leave a message on the blog...makes sense doesn't it?

Oh, and snus is a good way to get your nicotine fix during clinicals.

making the switch from dip to snus

2007-06-01T01:54:00.000-06:00

Alright, I'll admit it: I'm a former smoker. Well, I still occasionally will light up the odd cigarette when I dont have access to my can of dip, but for the most part, I do not smoke anymore.

I switched to dipping fairly reluctantly, as I did not like it too much at first...with all the spitting and such.

Then my brother told me about Swedish snus. Snus is sort of like dip, except very finely powdered, almost like baby powder. After doing TONS of research, I have concluded a few things about snus vs. American-style dip:

1. Snus has been scientifically proven to NOT cause mouth cancer. The manufacture of snus is VERY different than dip, and in the vast majority of cases, the tobacco is purified to remove any and all cancer-causing agents in it. If you google "snus" or go to swedishmatch.com, you can read all about the studies done.

2. It cost about half of what dip costs. A 10 can roll is ~$28 on the average. A roll of Copenhagen will set you back damn near $50. Per can, the expensive snus is $3.50. Cope is $4.80.

3. You dont need to spit. Last semester in clinicals, my brother gave me a few pouches of Rape No.2 portion snus. It was berry/Lindenberry flavored pouches of snus. After 5 or 6 hours of being in a high-pressure environment like clinicals, I really started to feel the need for some nicotine. I couldnt use Cope pouches because you have to spit with them and I had nowhere to spit. With the snus, I didn't EVER have to spit...but I still got my nicotine fix, and it had a really nice flavor, too.

So tonight, I placed my first online order of Swedish snus. Three rolls set me back $109 delivered. In other words, it was a 33% discount over buying rolls of Cope....and that includes the price of shipping the stuff all the way from Sweden.

There are PLENTY of websites devoted to snus, so I won't make this blog into another one.

Let's just say that in my opinion, snus is FAR better than dip, costs less, and has been medically PROVEN to NOT cause cancer.

Yeah, I'll be making the switch.

Here is a banner from the site I used to order my snus from:

If you click the banner, you will be directed to that site. Yeah, I know..shameless marketing bullshit, but trust me on this, try some. You will NEVER buy "dip" again.

Registration

2007-05-30T02:42:00.000-06:00

Today (well...yesterday) was registration for the summer semester.

Med/Surg 2 classes...and the rest clinicals. I found out I go to OB/Maternity clinicals first. Good. I'd rather get that out of the way first thing anyhow. From what we have been told, there may be a few days where we will have to spend very long hours waiting for some pregnant lady to pop so we can witness a live vaginal delivery. I'd rather go ahead and get that done so I can concentrate on the rest of the semester anyhow.

Classes start Monday. We are supposed to show up wearing our clinical uniforms for some reason...hopefully NOT because we will be going immediately to the clinical sites, although that's probably the reason.

This semster truly WILL be a "trial by fire" kind of deal. Do or die. There's no turning back now. With only 5 months until our expected graduation date, it's time to get this steamroller going and get finished with this.

Summer vacation

2007-05-28T22:53:00.000-06:00

I haven't made a new entry in a few weeks because it is summer vacation. We had a few weeks off to recouperate and such.

Let me get the bitching out of the way now: On the last day of the semester, we were given two assignments that we had to do over the break. One was a sheet of 247 definitions that we had to HAND WRITE (teacher's specific instructions), and a three-page set of questions that we had to read 6 chapters in our pediatrics book in order to answer. Took me four days. So yeah...we even get homework when we're not in school...on a fucking BREAK.

That being said, I have a total of 18 weeks of school left until our expected graduation date. I am counting the days.

The summer semester is going to be a real pain in the ass. Clinicals for all 9 weeks PLUS one day a week for class. Mon-Thurs for clinicals...Friday for class. That means two of my classes will only meet twice. One class day, then a final exam the next week. I am NOT looking forward to THAT.

This is my last week off. I register tomorrow...class starts next Monday. I plan on living it up as much as I can in 6 days.

The militarization of the police

2007-05-07T21:33:00.000-06:00

While surfing around on the web today, I found this article by Rob Blackstock:

http://www.lewrockwell.com/orig6/blackstock7.html

In it, he describes how the "regular" police forces across America are becoming more militarized. Being as I have personally seen cops wearing flak jackets, carrying fully-automatic military rifles, and jungle boots, it hit a real chord.

Here are a few notable passages from the article:

Since the early 80’s, the number of SWAT team deployments have increased from approximately 3,000 per year to more than 40,000 every year.
40,000. Really. A 13-fold increase in 25 years. Why?
SWAT teams are now used by police departments to perform jobs that normal, uniformed officers once handled.

But it doesn’t stop there. Once a police department forms a SWAT team, the military attitude is adopted by the other members of the force. Today, we see not just SWAT members, but patrolmen moving about our towns wearing jump boots and flak jackets… just like the military. Unfortunately, once a person adopts the military mindset, the focus is no longer to assist, to help and to be the peacemaker, but rather to intimidate, to force and to destroy.

That last paragraph really hit home. I have a Popular Mechanics (or PopSci) magazine here at the house with the title "SuperCops" in huge letters on the cover. In it is detailed the way the NYPD's "special forces SWAT team" goes around the city and does what they call "a show of force". Basically, they drive up to a preplanned location with a dozen or so heavily armed and armored cops carrying various fully-automatic weapons, flak jackets, kevlar helmets, face masks, etc. Their entire purpose is, as quoted by the article, "Our job is to scare people".

Yes, you read that right. In an actual quote from the article, they admit their purpose and intent is to strike fear into the hearts of citizens. They aren't there to protect and serve, they are there EXPRESSLY to intimidate.

More from the online article:

Look at what happened in MacArthur Park this past Monday. Police in riot gear (read: military garb) decided to disperse an overwhelmingly peaceful demonstration and assaulted with batons and rubber bullets everyone who did not cower and flee at their coming, including the female reporters attempting to film the despicable scene. Watch this video until the end and you will be reminded of China’s Tiananmen Square as paramilitary-police batter a man attempting to support an American flag while another policeman uses his baton on a woman splayed in the dirt.

Yes, I saw the video. It was a truly disgusting display of brutality by the police. They were clearly using excessive force/violence when it was not called for. Disgusting.

I fear things will become even worse in the future. The paramilitary-police are now being glamorized on TV once again. But this time the shows are not fiction as they were in the 70’s but real life episodes. Dallas SWAT on A&E TV follows the (surprise) Dallas SWAT team as they carry out no-knock warrants on unsuspecting bad guys. The videos provided in the preceding link allow the viewer to watch the SWAT team pump themselves up, destroy private property and drag dangerous perps from their homes. I’m still trying to understand why the police have a tank… probably to protect us from drug-dealing Soviets.

Saw that one, too. Another disgusting display of cops playing wannabe soldiers. And yes...they actually have a fucking TANK. As in....TANK...in a civilian neighborhood. If you don't have a problem with this, something is VERY wrong with you.

Nothing good can come of having the military patrolling our streets, and make no mistake, the police are becoming militarized, and doing so with the help of the Federal Government. How long before our towns are nothing more than caricatures of old Nazi movies where citizens rush home lest they be approached by soldiers asking for identification?

I agree with the first statement, but the last is probably only used for emphasis, and I doubt it will ever get THAT bad...but then again, the cops are driving TANKS to people's houses in the middle of the night because they think someone that lives there sold someone a dimebag....

Amusingly (or not), several newspaper investigations have shown that less than half of all no-knock warrants have resulted in contraband or arrests. I’m sure that fact is comforting to people who have watched helplessly as their small children were seized and handcuffed by armed men wearing black hoods.

Alright...let me come clean here....my opinion of the police is influenced by the fact that so many members of my family are cops, and people I knew growing up became cops. Just about all of them are the type of person that had wet dreams at night thinking about becoming the next G.I. Joe when they grew up. Sure, cops have a dangerous job...sure a lot of them are decent people. However, I dont think a "normal" person would volunteer to drive a fucking TANK over to a pot-dealer's house....nor would they stand around trying to pump themselves up by shouting things such as "Let's take these fuckers OUT!" They work themselves into an absolute FRENZY over the thought of getting to assert their athority over another person...then someone kicks in the wrong door and shoots an old lady in the face and everyone wonders how the hell that could have happened.

Ah yes..the memories of the people I knew that became cops. GPC cigs rolled up in the sleeve of an olive drab t-shirt, the strange obsession with 'getting to shoot someone', the bragging about "I know 5 or 6 ways to break your neck"..etc etc. You see, they take a high-school drop-outs with an inferiority complex, train them extensively on how to inflict severe pain on someone in order to get them to submit, and hand them a gun. What the fuck do they EXPECT to happen? Let's face it, if you're capable of making anything higher than a 25 on the ACT, chances are you aren't going to be a cop. These "elite" military-type police units are JUST the kind of overcompensation that is needed for the psyche of just the type of people I knew that became cops.

Nothing says "I have penis envy" like wearing black BDU's, carrying automatic weapons, and tackling 80 year old women in nightgowns while they're asleep....or shooting her in the face at point-blank range because she had NO idea WTF was going on and she tried to defend her home.

Ms. [Kathryn] Johnston, who was at least 88 years old, was killed in a barrage of gunfire after narcotics officers burst through the front door of her home without warning last Nov. 21. Apparently fearing for her life, Ms. Johnston, who lived in a high-crime neighborhood, met the officers with a gun. (Source: NYT)

How do the parents out there like the idea of having their children handcuffed at school because someone THOUGHT someone had weed in their school locker? How do they like the idea of having loaded guns pointed at their children's heads while they are handcuffed on the ground? I'm sure we've all seen the videos of cops having accidental discharges....had one of these kids been killed, I'd bet my left testicle the officer would have been slapped on the wrist:

[The school’s] surveillance cameras and a police camera… show students as young as 14 forced to the ground in handcuffs as officers in SWAT team uniforms and bulletproof vests aim guns at their heads and lead a drug dog to tear through their book bags… No drugs or weapons were found during the raid and no charges were filed. (Source: ACLU)

There is a REASON that the government set up a separation of the military and the police...a very GOOD reason at that. Yet everyday, the police forces around the country are striving to become a "civilian-based army", equipped with military-type weapons, and apparently...tanks.

They say it is because they are encountering more and more resistance in the form of suspects fighting back with deadly force. I wonder if they ever stopped to ask WHY?

Imagine looking out your window and seeing 2 dozen guys with CAR15's pointed at your wife's head like a mafia gang-hit. What would YOU do?!

You see, there is a fundamental difference in what constitutes a good COP and what constitutes a good SOLDIER. In a soldier's world, things are black and white. You are either good, or you are the enemy. We as a society simply cannot tolerate police officers that cannot see that things are NOT always black or white...but very often somewhere in the gray area between good and the enemy. Once the police officers begin to adopt the attitude that THEY are the good guys, and that the rest of us are all potential enemies, shit gets out of hand pretty quickly.

There's a reason most communities demand that their police officers actually live in the areas they "serve". It makes them get to know the people they are being paid to protect. They know the general "feel" of the neighborhoods and the people that live there. Once militarization happens, the officers no longer view themselves as a part of a civilian community, but a community of people made superior by their firepower alone. They lose the ability to see in shades of gray, and instead begin to see things as either black or white....target/non-target, threat/non-threat, etc...and anyone that does not immediately submit themselves or anyone that questions their motives or the legality of their actions instantly becomes both a threat AND a target.

NOTHING good can come from having the cops emulate the Army. We need to remind the government that the separation of the military and the police is there for a reason. Troubling times we live in, indeed.

On teachers and hard classes

2007-05-03T22:40:00.000-06:00

Well, I finally figured out my trouble with maternity class, and the answer that everyone in my class has been looking for.

It seems our maternity teacher is using tests that the previous maternity teacher made, but is using her own lecture notes. This would explain why the tests don't exactly match the information we are given.

Here is something all nursing students should know: Schools need teachers more than they need the students. In other words, shop CAREFULLY for where you choose to attend school. When I was entering school, had I known then what I know now, I would have chosen a different school rather than go to LTC Baton Rouge. Why? Because crap like this constantly happens....and complaining to school administration does nothing.

Oh sure, they pretend that they will do something, but in reality, if anythind DOES change, it changes AFTER my class is finished. In other words, our hardship only makes it easier on the classes that come after us....while we are expected to just grit our teeth and move along like good little sheep.

Here is the current running list of things that have pretty much my entire class pissed off:

1. We are class 104. Both class 103 and 105's curriculum lasts for 15 months. Ours will be 20 months. Our class is the only class that who will have attended the LPN program for 5 months longer than other classes. For a reference, one can earn an associate RN degree in 24 months, or just one semester longer than we are taking to get our LPN. This is supposedly the way ALL LPN's classes are scheduled, but certainly they know we talk to the other classes. No one can give us a straightforward answer WHY we are the only class that will take 20 months to graduate.

2. Having to take classes that are useless to the LPN. Maternity nursing is all great and everything, except for the fact that LPN's are not allowed by the state board of practical nursing to actually work in an O.B. ward. We ARE allowed to work in a postpartum unit, however. Why not teach us a class called "POSTPARTUM NURSING" instead of making us take an entire class of crap that we will not be able to actually use as an LPN? This is just one example of many.

3. There are no students in my class younger than 20....and the vast majority of us are between 25 and 30 years old. We are often disrespected as though we are still in junior high by SOME of the faculty. They act shocked when we respond in kind with equal "disrespect", but then again, if you mouth-off to another adult, what do you expect? I know personally, I'm not going to look at someone that just tried to treat me as a child and say "yes, ma'am". More than likely, my response would be "You DO realize that I'm a 30 year-old man with a wife and a kid...right? Why the hell do you think you can just talk to me any way you want to? If you said that to anothe 30 year old guy at the mall...what would HE say..and why am I any different?" This may come across as cocky or asshole-ish, but I'm sure at one point or another, you will think back to this and say "Now I know EXACTLY what he was talking about"

4. None of the other teachers seem to be able to comprehend the fact that we are taking 2-4 classes at one time. They ALL seem to like to pretend like their class is the only one we have to do work for. Three tests in different classes on the same day? Tough shit.

5. If we are expected to be in class on time, we should also be able to expect to get OUT on time. I'm tired of having to shove lunch down my throat with a shovel because a teacher decides it's okay to use up 10 minutes of our 30 minute lunch period.

6. All day classes. As much as I love learning, sitting in the same desk with the same teacher in the same subject from 8AM until 2:30PM is just fucking boring. Need the extra time to teach us everything the class is supposed to cover? How about schedule them properly to make sure the teacher has enough time instead of expecting the students to learn 3 chapters in one damned day because you fucked up and scheduled the class wrong.

7. Lack of communication between the school and the students. We never hear about anything until it is almost too late. We take Scantron tests and it takes 2 weeks to get back our grades....seriously. Just pass the fuckers thru the machine and tell me what I made. Med/Surg has been over for about 4 weeks now, and no one knows what they made in the course yet. Absolutely unacceptable.

I'm sure I left out a few things, but you get the idea.

Operation: Relaxation

2007-04-28T15:05:00.000-06:00

It's 4PM and Kristi just left for work. I have the house to myself for the remainder of the evening/night.

Late late night (or early this morning), I said I was going to relax and try to de-stress. That is exactly what I aim to do.

I'm gonna crank up the old Black Hawk Down videogame here on my laptop, play until my eyeballs fall out, then its hot bath and flannel PJ's for the rest of the night.

I figure I can squeeze in at least 2 good movies before SNL and then StarTrek:TOS comes on....then I'll probably play BHD some more until I go to bed.

I've pulled out the Earl Grey tea and I'm ready to relax. I was debating on going outside to fire up the BBQ pit (charcoal is better, I dont care what ANYONE says) and slap together something nice and summery for dinner like grilled salmon salad with a lemon dressing.

For the first time in a LONG time, I actually think this weekend is going to turn out okay.

Peace and Quiet

2007-04-28T00:36:00.000-06:00

I'm not normally someone that people would think enjoys silence, but they would be wrong. My parents came to get Clayton for the weekend around 8pm or so. With Kristi at work, that means I have the house all to myself for the rest of the night.

I've sat here, studying for a few hours, then I played some Black Hawk Down: Team Sabre for a little while....ate something...had a pinch of Cope Black, etc etc.

The only sound is the quick clicking of my typing and the exhaust fan on my laptop. I like this. A lot. I was considering going watch a movie or something, or maybe even just heading off to bed for some much-deserved sleep. Kristi will be home tomorrow during the day, but will once again go to work tomorrow night. I'm thinking of what I will do while she's gone.

I think tomorrow night will be a night filled with cups of hot Earl Grey tea and flannel pajamas....and silence. I used to turn to books when I was a kid whenever I wanted to escape an uncomfortable situation. Now, I turn to them for much the same reason...to give my mind a chance to stop repeating endless nursing facts and to instead wander off into some imaginary world somewhere far away, and far more pleasant than the realities of life.

Yes. That sounds like a GREAT idea. Cook something light and "summery" for dinner, have a few cups of "ishi" Earl Grey, a few good books, and a chance to finally RELAX...all by myself, with no one else around...in complete quiet.

May be the end of the road for me...

2007-04-27T08:55:00.002-06:00

It looks as though maternity class will be the class that does me in....as in...causes me to fail.

Test 1 - 86
Test 2 - 67
Test 3 - retake of test 2 - maybe a 68
Test 4 - dunno yet but doesnt look good.

My current average - 77.

I need an 86 on test 4 to bring to to an 80%, which I don't think is going to happen.

The final is worth 400 points, so I have a chance here IF I do really well on it.

I'm just not "getting it" for some reason though. Many of my classmates blame the teacher for not being clear (which I sort-of agree with), but I just cannot seem to put the information together to make sense. No matter how much I study or how much I try, I just can NOT understand this shit.

Maybe its because I'm a guy, but its all very confusing. More likely it is simply a reasult of the entire class lasting only 10 days....too much confusing shit crammed into too short of a time.

Hopefully I'll be able to pull off a miracle, but as of right now, it doesn't look too good.