Fighting sadness and lonliness has become a daily chore for me lately. I miss my wife terribly.
Every night, I ask God why....why did he choose me to burden with this disease that stole everything from me that I hold dear.
Why was I cursed? Why was the one person I love the most the one hurt the most by my actions due to this? Why does it have to be this way?
These are the questions that haunt me, and probably will until the day I die.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Sunday, August 16, 2009
What do I do?
It has been more then two years now and here I still wait. Through everything, I still wait faithfully. Through all the tears and heartache and cruel words...I remain faithful.
Let there be no doubt, I married because I was truly, deeply in love. I really beleive that if you TRULY love someone, then you would do ANYTHING to fight for it...including putting your own needs and feelings on the back burner for the sake of the other person.
I know at this point, it may very well be too little too late, but then again, it is never too late to do the right thing...and that is exactly what I have been doing these last two years.
I have spent the last 2 years doing only a relatively few things:
1) Getting the help I need to deal with the fact that I found out I have bipolar disorder. I have quite literally spend hundreds upon hundreds of hours doing research and going to therapy. All in the name of getting myself stable and staying that way permanantly. I'm very proud to say that except for some early-on experimentation by the doctor with my medication, I have been consistantly stable for the entire 2 years...and I have done TONS of work to keep myself this way.
2) Trying to make amends the best way I can, as long as I felt it did not bring further hurt or pain to that person. The only time I have made an exception to this second part is with my wife, whom I felt I OWED an appology to for the way I behaved. I know it often hurt her, but I felt she deserved to hear me say the words, and I felt that she had the RIGHT to look me in the eyes when I said them so that she could see for herself that I was being nothing but honest and genuine.
3) Learning to be nothing less than completely honest. That means in everything. In the past, I found myself telling lie after lie in a sad attempt to cover up what I felt were inadequacies in myself. I have come to realize that alot, if not most, of these failings were a direct result of my trying to compensate for having a mental disorder I never knew I had. Regardless, I have resolved myself to always being honest. My grandpa told me something a long time ago "Being a man means doing the right thing even when it's the hardest thing to do." Damned right.
Why have I done these things? Number 4.
4) I have resolved to be the best father that I possibly can be. I want to be a man that my son can respect. I have lost time to make up for, and I intend to do so.
You see, I have done terrible things in my past. I do not run from them and I do not pretend that I did not do them. I openly admit to them, and I take responsiblity for what I did. The only qualifier to this is that I ALSO realize that I had an un-diagnosed mental illness, and therefore was not able to help many of the things that I did, and in some cases, I legitamately do not remember some of them. Nonetheless, I assume responsibility. The only thing I ask for is for a little mercy considering that I did not actually do these things out of my own free will. I was forced to do them by a terrible illness.
Do I mean that I should bear no responsibility? Absolutely not. My wife tried to tell me many times that I needed help, and I didn't listen. Then again, most people don't when someone tells them that something is wrong with them.
THAT is my main fault: I didnt listen.
Do I accept all of the fault? No. It's clear it is not only my fault. I would have done anything I had to do to get the person I love the help I thought she needed, including calling parents, brothers, sisters...ANYONE.
Take it from someone with bipolar disorder: If you love someone and you thing they may be suffering from this disease or any other illness, don't just walk out of them. DO something. If he or she is not acting like themselves, or is suddenly treating you poorly and it's completely out of character, then that is a HUGE sign that there is something very wrong. Call his or her parents, brothers, family, the cops, etc. Whatever it takes. In the end, you will be doing them a favor, and you will be doing yourself a favor in saving the rare and precious gift of love you have found. Fight for the love you have and share. For God's sake please do not let it die...fight for the love you share. Remember why you love each other in the first place...remember what brought you together, and FIGHT for it.
Let there be no doubt, I married because I was truly, deeply in love. I really beleive that if you TRULY love someone, then you would do ANYTHING to fight for it...including putting your own needs and feelings on the back burner for the sake of the other person.
I know at this point, it may very well be too little too late, but then again, it is never too late to do the right thing...and that is exactly what I have been doing these last two years.
I have spent the last 2 years doing only a relatively few things:
1) Getting the help I need to deal with the fact that I found out I have bipolar disorder. I have quite literally spend hundreds upon hundreds of hours doing research and going to therapy. All in the name of getting myself stable and staying that way permanantly. I'm very proud to say that except for some early-on experimentation by the doctor with my medication, I have been consistantly stable for the entire 2 years...and I have done TONS of work to keep myself this way.
2) Trying to make amends the best way I can, as long as I felt it did not bring further hurt or pain to that person. The only time I have made an exception to this second part is with my wife, whom I felt I OWED an appology to for the way I behaved. I know it often hurt her, but I felt she deserved to hear me say the words, and I felt that she had the RIGHT to look me in the eyes when I said them so that she could see for herself that I was being nothing but honest and genuine.
3) Learning to be nothing less than completely honest. That means in everything. In the past, I found myself telling lie after lie in a sad attempt to cover up what I felt were inadequacies in myself. I have come to realize that alot, if not most, of these failings were a direct result of my trying to compensate for having a mental disorder I never knew I had. Regardless, I have resolved myself to always being honest. My grandpa told me something a long time ago "Being a man means doing the right thing even when it's the hardest thing to do." Damned right.
Why have I done these things? Number 4.
4) I have resolved to be the best father that I possibly can be. I want to be a man that my son can respect. I have lost time to make up for, and I intend to do so.
You see, I have done terrible things in my past. I do not run from them and I do not pretend that I did not do them. I openly admit to them, and I take responsiblity for what I did. The only qualifier to this is that I ALSO realize that I had an un-diagnosed mental illness, and therefore was not able to help many of the things that I did, and in some cases, I legitamately do not remember some of them. Nonetheless, I assume responsibility. The only thing I ask for is for a little mercy considering that I did not actually do these things out of my own free will. I was forced to do them by a terrible illness.
Do I mean that I should bear no responsibility? Absolutely not. My wife tried to tell me many times that I needed help, and I didn't listen. Then again, most people don't when someone tells them that something is wrong with them.
THAT is my main fault: I didnt listen.
Do I accept all of the fault? No. It's clear it is not only my fault. I would have done anything I had to do to get the person I love the help I thought she needed, including calling parents, brothers, sisters...ANYONE.
Take it from someone with bipolar disorder: If you love someone and you thing they may be suffering from this disease or any other illness, don't just walk out of them. DO something. If he or she is not acting like themselves, or is suddenly treating you poorly and it's completely out of character, then that is a HUGE sign that there is something very wrong. Call his or her parents, brothers, family, the cops, etc. Whatever it takes. In the end, you will be doing them a favor, and you will be doing yourself a favor in saving the rare and precious gift of love you have found. Fight for the love you have and share. For God's sake please do not let it die...fight for the love you share. Remember why you love each other in the first place...remember what brought you together, and FIGHT for it.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
A site everyone with bipolar or a loved one of someone with bipolar needs to read.
I found this site tonight, and it is completely worth the time, especially if you are someone married to someone unfortunate enough to be diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I know it's rough, but maybe, just maybe this site will allow you to have mercy enough to not end your otherwise good marriage over bipolar behavior that is NOT the real person.
Click the title of this entry to view the site. It WILL be worth your time.
Click the title of this entry to view the site. It WILL be worth your time.
vacation
1:59AM Friday July 17th
Vacation.
I had this entire last week off of work. I spent the entire time since last Friday with my son. It’s been one of the best weeks I’ve had in about 2 years. We went to the Aquarium of the Americas one day, to the Audubon Insectarium the next day, to see a 3-D dinosaur movie the next, and to see Harry Potter the day after that.
I can honestly say that I haven’t had that much fun in a very long time. Watching things I’ve seen before and seeing them through my son’s eyes makes everything so new again…so exciting to see things and see how spellbound he is by something as simple as a butterfly fluttering around the flowers. It really made me stop and think about things, and how often we take things for granted.
We get so caught up in things like our work and the daily grind that we forget the things that REALLY matter. Those butterflies really meant something to my son. They represented something beautiful that he was in absolute awe of. Simply because they were beautiful and pretty. He wasn’t worried about having to be at a certain place at a certain time, or anything of the sort. He was completely in the moment and just stood there in awe.
I hope to teach my son a great many things before I die…but he also teaches ME as well. He teaches me how easy it is to show others how much they mean to me. My son simply says the words. He doesn’t care what they will think about it or what other people might say. If he loves you, he will simply say “I love you.” It gives me pause to think of all the times I should have let people know how much they mean to me, but did not out of fear. I think I’ll take the lesson my son has taught me about this to heart.
I never thought I would want a baby. Now, I cannot possibly imagine my life without him. He brings so much joy to my life that it is not possible to express it with mere words. I will miss him deeply while he is gone to his mother’s house.
In the end, I struggle with what I feel most fathers struggle with: When I am gone, will I have loved my son enough in the past to last in the future in the inevitable day when I leave this world and go to the next? I can only try to make sure he hears me tell him how much he means to me each and every opportunity that I have with him.
To a great degree, I have a rare chance to set right what I have made wrong in the past. I may not be able to prove to my wife that I in fact am very different than I was the last few years she knew me…when I was very, very ill. However, I can prove that I AM a good man now…and that I know what true love is. It is the love I have for my son. Unlike any other feeling of love I have ever felt. He is literally a part of me…and as God as my witness, I will do everything in my power to be sure he knows his daddy loves him very much.
Vacation.
I had this entire last week off of work. I spent the entire time since last Friday with my son. It’s been one of the best weeks I’ve had in about 2 years. We went to the Aquarium of the Americas one day, to the Audubon Insectarium the next day, to see a 3-D dinosaur movie the next, and to see Harry Potter the day after that.
I can honestly say that I haven’t had that much fun in a very long time. Watching things I’ve seen before and seeing them through my son’s eyes makes everything so new again…so exciting to see things and see how spellbound he is by something as simple as a butterfly fluttering around the flowers. It really made me stop and think about things, and how often we take things for granted.
We get so caught up in things like our work and the daily grind that we forget the things that REALLY matter. Those butterflies really meant something to my son. They represented something beautiful that he was in absolute awe of. Simply because they were beautiful and pretty. He wasn’t worried about having to be at a certain place at a certain time, or anything of the sort. He was completely in the moment and just stood there in awe.
I hope to teach my son a great many things before I die…but he also teaches ME as well. He teaches me how easy it is to show others how much they mean to me. My son simply says the words. He doesn’t care what they will think about it or what other people might say. If he loves you, he will simply say “I love you.” It gives me pause to think of all the times I should have let people know how much they mean to me, but did not out of fear. I think I’ll take the lesson my son has taught me about this to heart.
I never thought I would want a baby. Now, I cannot possibly imagine my life without him. He brings so much joy to my life that it is not possible to express it with mere words. I will miss him deeply while he is gone to his mother’s house.
In the end, I struggle with what I feel most fathers struggle with: When I am gone, will I have loved my son enough in the past to last in the future in the inevitable day when I leave this world and go to the next? I can only try to make sure he hears me tell him how much he means to me each and every opportunity that I have with him.
To a great degree, I have a rare chance to set right what I have made wrong in the past. I may not be able to prove to my wife that I in fact am very different than I was the last few years she knew me…when I was very, very ill. However, I can prove that I AM a good man now…and that I know what true love is. It is the love I have for my son. Unlike any other feeling of love I have ever felt. He is literally a part of me…and as God as my witness, I will do everything in my power to be sure he knows his daddy loves him very much.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Sadness
It's been nearly two years now and the pain has not gone away. Not even a little bit. I still miss my wife terribly.
Each night I go to bed, I say a prayer that God can help us find each other again. God brought us together at one time, and I find it hard to believe that he would do something like that and let it end this way.
I intended to spend the rest of my life with her. I was in it until the end.
There are only so many times you can say "I'm sorry" and really mean it every time. I'm aware that the fact that I had bipolar disorder and didn't know it does NOT make what I did just go away. I know it doesn't just make things better. I know I should not expect to be simply forgiven.
I expected to have to work through this, and work hard. I expected to have to prove myself again. Given the opportunity, I am confident that I could...but I have to be given the chance first.
I've been left in a pretty bad financial situation, so monetary helping her isn't exactly an option right now. I don't get paid much for the job I do, and I typically work 48-56 hours a week. I'm just being honest when I say that I was left with 3 months of school until I graduated and no money, so I did whatever i had to do in order to finish. Since then, I've had to start repaying my student loans, which is like half of my paychecks. I wish I could do more, but I simply cannot if I want to actually have food to eat.
I'm going BACK to school this fall to get my RN, in the hopes that it will put me in a better financial situation in the long run.
I just wish she could look at me and see me for who I really am, and not the disease. AT this point though, I understand why she cannot.
Each night I go to bed, I say a prayer that God can help us find each other again. God brought us together at one time, and I find it hard to believe that he would do something like that and let it end this way.
I intended to spend the rest of my life with her. I was in it until the end.
There are only so many times you can say "I'm sorry" and really mean it every time. I'm aware that the fact that I had bipolar disorder and didn't know it does NOT make what I did just go away. I know it doesn't just make things better. I know I should not expect to be simply forgiven.
I expected to have to work through this, and work hard. I expected to have to prove myself again. Given the opportunity, I am confident that I could...but I have to be given the chance first.
I've been left in a pretty bad financial situation, so monetary helping her isn't exactly an option right now. I don't get paid much for the job I do, and I typically work 48-56 hours a week. I'm just being honest when I say that I was left with 3 months of school until I graduated and no money, so I did whatever i had to do in order to finish. Since then, I've had to start repaying my student loans, which is like half of my paychecks. I wish I could do more, but I simply cannot if I want to actually have food to eat.
I'm going BACK to school this fall to get my RN, in the hopes that it will put me in a better financial situation in the long run.
I just wish she could look at me and see me for who I really am, and not the disease. AT this point though, I understand why she cannot.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
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